Here goes, my first attempt at opening up about something a little less trivial… probably still kind of trivial. I dunno I kinda suck at this:

Well I'm feeling extremely lonely… I think part of it was brought on by a conversation with a friend the other day about someone I was getting to know who probably won't ever be more than an aquaintance. It's hard for me to make 'long term' friends because I guess I'm kind of weird…. I mean I'm a little awkward and shy when I first meet someone because I have an off sense of sarcastic humor, I don't really fit into a specific 'clique' or anything like that I just have a broad range of interests that, in my opinion, i'm pretty much mediocre in.

And then the people I do talk to and think I can finally have a friendship with seem much smarter than me in subjects I've only dabbled in and I just end up feeling inferior or intimidated so I back away like "I'll never be as smart as they are in that subject, so why embarrass myself?" Really its probably caused by my tendency to sabotage myself against my better judgement, sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it.

I can fit in with any crowd temporarily, in highschool i'd flow easily from table to table, 'popular' one week 'goths' the next and everything in between. So I had very few long term friends.

At the moment I have 2… well 3 but I only really talk to 2 on a regualr basis, the thrid one though we can just pick up 2 years later like only a day has passed sinceshe and Italked so it works =) I'm kind of pushing one away because I think he may have developed mroe romantic feelings for me. And i'm not good at relationships. But I can open up about that another time cause its hard enough just to sort this lonliness friendlessness mess out.

So back to feeling lonely. My good friend was asking if this new aquaintence was actually a potential romantic interest. Which he wasn't, he has a lot of 'red flags' about him plus I suck at relationships I fall too fast and too hard but only for the wrong people (the right onesI guard myself and drive them away)

Everyone sayscollege is a whole new world with all kinds of diverse people that i'll be able to find common interests with. Maybe one oneor 2 shallow levels butnever like 5 levels orsomething. I dont even know whatI mean by levels.

I don't know how to describe it. Which is why I have sucha hard time opening up.. How do you put this mess into words? Basically i'mlonely, but most times I block it and today it slapped me across the face.

Anyways if you made it through this whole thing, thanks I know long blogs can be all daunting and it really wasn't that interesting.

1 Comment
  1. Cassis 8 years ago

     I can totally relate to having a broad range of interests and not feeling like I have fulfilled any one individually.  It's really quite troublesome.  Also on having conversations with someone who is really into a subject that I have looked into a bit but don't know a lot about.  Its so embarassing, when you tell them you know a bit about it they get excited, then when they find out you only know a little they seem dissapointed.  I have since avoided those conversations. 

     

    As for opening up, I think you did a good job. You don't have to know exactly how to describe everything, especially at first. I sure don't! Just take it one step at a time, one blog at a time, and say things as best you can.

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