Why do I care so much about a stupid boy who means NOTHING to me?!?
I guess I should set this up. So I’m living in residence again, and in my building there are 3 floors of upper year students and 1 floor of first year boys. I’m in second year right now, but technically I should be in 4th. Long story short, I switched programs. I’m pretty much a really friendly outgoing person and I need to talk to people. So I was nice to the first year boys because they’re really the only people who come out of their rooms and want to talk. I’m not usually a girl who has a ton of guys into her or anything, but I’m not sure if it’s the new found confidence I’ve gained since going through a second round of depression and things going well, but a few of the boys have showed interest in me. Two that I’m definitely not into, and one who’s cute, but has a girlfriend.
Well I started talking to the one with a girlfriend one day and we added each other on msn, so we started talking. At first it everything was good, as in just friends kind of stuff, but after that we started to become kind of flirty. Mind you this is only after a few days of talking. I justify this action because I’m not doing any harm since I wouldn’t want a relationship with him and he was the one that initiated it. I just played along because that’s what I’m good at doing I guess. I’ve been told that I’m a natural flirt, I don’t really notice that I’m doing it. And really I don’t need to be justifying it, but I thought I’d share my reasons. Anyways, the next day after we started to become flirty he totally crossed the line with the flirting. He was totally alluding to sex and the thing is, I don’t know what would’ve given him that idea. I’m not that kind of person, especially if he’s got a girlfriend. It totally made me angry and sad and frustrated. I felt like maybe I did something wrong or I led him on too much or that I seem like a slut. And I hated that feeling. And I was scared because I didn’t want to sleep with him. It wouldn’t have happened, but just being alone with him would’ve been weird. (The flirting was all happening through msn btw, so we weren’t talking like this in person.) Once he crossed the line I said something to the effect like why would I do that and then changed the conversation and he just stopped talking to me. It made me feel bad! Again like I was doing something wrong.
I know that I didn’t do anything wrong, but he made me doubt myself and I got all emotional or something. I haven’t felt inferior like that in a while. And it bugs me SOOOO much. I’m not sure what game he’s playing or what’s going on, but I hate it!
I know that I won’t do anything with him unless he breaks up with his girlfriend, but even if he does, I’m not gonna sleep with him nor do I want to be his girlfriend. So it would be selfish on my end for me wanting him to break up with his girlfriend. Although he’s the one who’s a terrible boyfriend and should just break it off with her because clearly it’s not working if he’s looking outside the relationship for a little something extra. It’s like he’s got me wrapped around his finger. With my emotions at least. If he doesn’t reply to my message, I kind of get offended/hurt and I don’t know why I care so much?!!?!?
There’s this other guy that I actually like. I want to be in an actual relationship with him, so this guy shouldn’t matter at all. There’s nothing between us at all. Like nothing. Just the flirting, but no chemistry or anything that actually matters to me.
I just want to know if anyone else has felt the same way? If so, it’d be great to get your take on it.
I totally felt like crying the rest of the day because I think I felt like I wasn’t in control of the situation. I actually had to watch clips of sad movies to make myself cry since I have midterms to study for and have no time to take “a mental health day” (Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, great movie!). I think that that may be the reason why I was so sad; that I couldn’t control the situation although I really wanted to. Because when I’m not in control, I guess I can’t control how I feel and I could get hurt. And that’s what I don’t want. Even though he doesn’t mean anything to me.
Any tips on how to try and let things go with the flow and not get to your head so much? As well as tips to be ok with me needing to stop overthinking, like if he doesn’t respond back, I think again, oh he doesn’t want to talk to me. Basically needing to stop feeding into my negative thoughts.
As I write these things out, I realize what I can do, so I’m gonna make a list of why I shouldn’t care if he doesn’t respond:
- he’s a jerk for cheating on his girlfriend…well sort of cheating, but wanting to at least
- he’s a jerk for assuming I’d sleep with him even though he doesn’t even really know me as a person
- there are other guys who love talking to me
- there are other guys who are MUCH better conversationalists, and some who try even though they’re not
- the guy that I want is sooo much better than he’ll ever be
- his sense of humour is lame
- he’s way into video games
- why would I want to hang out with such a sketch guy?
I think these are enough reasons for now.
I’m feeling much better and a little more empowered!
Like I said, if anyone has any advice for me, I’d greatly appreciate it.
Thanks for listening.