I have come to understand how painful it is to live with obsessions. They take over your life and won’t let go. The worst part for me is the oversensitivity to things that I associate with my obsession.
I obssess about my girlfriend’s past sexual experiences. She had lost her virginity to me 4 months before we started officially dating- she never told me this though. During that 4 month period we stopped talking for 1 month, and during that month she slept with someone else. I was told this about 8 months into our relationship…and I have been obssessed with this for 3 years now. We are still dating, and I am still in just as much pain.
I have been doing a lot of reading on oversensitivit and OCD. It can become crippling. Last night this occurred to me. I was watching a movie last night and one of the main female characters has a sexual relationship with a man. His name happened to be the name of the person my girlfriend slept with. I was enraged, I could not enjoy the movie anymore. I was so upset I almost starting crying. I can’t watch sex scenes in movies, I can’t even say the other guy’s name. If someone I know has his name, I will go to great lengths to not call him that. I usually give him a nickname and call him something else. The other day, I wanted to rewatch one of my all-time favorite movies, but I couldn’t do it. One of the characters who has a sex scene in it has the other guy’s name. I tell my friends now that I hate that movie. The other day, someone used the common phrase at my work "that company is in bed with the other one." I could hardly hold back my anxiety and anger. I think about this all the time now… and so many things brings it up. I know what the guy looks like, and when I see anyone that resembles him, I fear that I can’t control my anger. I want to hurt that person. So many things that used to give me happiness in life are not anymore.
I used to be so optimistic and happy. But it is hard to now when so many things you see are hurtful and painful. Things don’t look the same through my eyes anymore.
Sorry for the depressing blog… this is just how I feel today.
Thanks for the comment. I thought for a long time that I had such a weird obsessions, not the kind you usually see on the TV specials. It made me think that maybe I was just overly jealous… just a bad person. I didn’t really know what to think. I denied for as long as I could that it was OCD, but it was and I knew it. I had obsessions and compulsions as a kid… there was always something that had to happen to make it come out. I thought I was free from it… I was for many years… until the moment she told me about the other guy- right at that moment I remember going to my best friend and telling him what she had told me. I told him “This is going to be a huge problem.” He didn’t understand then… I didn’t think the relationship would last this long. And well, here I am now.
You are very strong to be able to go through what you did. I hope that you can free yourself from these horrible thoughts. When I see the shows with people with obsessions, so many times it is about things that have never happen. They fear they will do something bad, or something bad is going to happen that hasn’t happen to them yet. Ours is not like that… we are obsessed with something that did happen, that is truth and reality. It makes it so much harder to dismiss.
Wow… Frank your post really helps. I have never really heard of someone having a similar story to mine. Most of the time I have heard stories like ShepsGal, who was cheated on and is obsessed with that person and time. ShepsGal is so strong to be able to tackle her OCD in that manner… it is amazing to me, and I know if I was cheated on it would be over.
The weird part is that there was commitment between us, just like what you had. So to her my obsession doesn’t make any sense, actually no one really gets it. They say if there was no commitment, then what was the problem? But that is not how I think or see it.
I am doing exactly what you have done. Trying to fight through it. I know there is something worth it here and special. I know this, or I wouldn’t have put myself through this. Your story gives me a hope, when lately I haven’t had any. Thank you so much… I would love to hear more about how you overcame this at some point.