I seriously just want to cut right now. I feel extremly overwhelmed, it's like today was the day that everything has decided to come crashing down, and the things is, it's the little things that made today even worse then before, and I know that in the morning things won't be any better, I think that is probably what makes me so overwhelmed right now is because I know that in the morning it won't be any better. I already know that in the morning I'm going to get into an arguement with my boyfriend's mom because she found another thing to complain about and guess what? It's an extention of laundry! Aparently I am now hanging my laundry incorrectly. The line that I put it on started to sag a lot, so she told me to fix it, it's my damn laundry, mind your own damn bussiness! But I ended up fixing it and guess what? The line still sagged once I arranged it how she had told me to, I rearranged it while she was asleep, so let's just see what else she blames me for…sorry I can't control gravity, or more likely she'll say that I stretched out the rope (i don't even know it that's possible)
So I know in the morning I'm going to have an arguement about the damn laundry (oh, and guess what? She used all of my detergent). Then on top of all of that I just feel like I have no where to turn. Probably the last straw where it kind of just clicked in my head 'hey, things aren't going to get better in the morning' was that my boyfriend's best friend is now basically getting obssesed with him, she's been doing it for a while, but it is really getting under my skin. She actually contacts me when she can't get a hold of him, she sends him on average 12 messages a day. And the thing is, he actually changes how he is in order to make her happy. I don't know if this is just me overreacting, but when a boyfriend starts changing for his best friend and listening to his best friend and showing her more attention then he does his girlfriend, isn't that a bit of a problem? And the thing is, I was here first. He has only known her for 3 months, he's known me for over a year. If his best friend was here first then it wouldn't bother me that much, but I was here first. Like just a little while ago, I wanted to spend some time with him because we hadn't really spent any time together in a while, he chose to use my computer (his computer crashed for good) to talk to his best friend for 4 hours, and then he watched her have fun with herself on her web cam, now I'm sorry, but to me that is completely wrong. You have a girlfriend who begs you for attention and you go and spend your time on her computer like that? Oh! and to top it all off, earlier he asked me if I had looked up when a movie was coming out that he wants to see, I told him that I hadn't looked it up. He then said "Well, if you don't look it up then I guess I won't take you to go see Eclispe." I'll be honest, I got excited about it. I then thought about it…we don't have money to go to the movies. I informed him of this, his answer? "I will only take $10 out of your account for gas to go to work, so then there is still plently of money in your account for you and me to go to the movies."
I honestly don't mind paying when we go to the movies, but it's my account, and my money, I choose how I spend it. And the way he first phrased it was like he was going to take me out for a treat…usually when someone takes you out for a treat that means you don't have to pay for it, so that kind of defeats the purpose. Also, I only have $58 in my account because I've been paying for his gas so he can go to work, I also already paid rent. That's something that just really gets me about him, he lives in the moment, which isn't a bad thing at times, but if I only have $58 dollars and I'm spending about $40 a week for his gas money, and niether of us are going to get paid for a while, don't you think that fun time should be put away for a while and you should actually sit down and think like an adult.
At this moment (I don't know if I'll still feel this strong about it when I go to bed and wake up) I'm no longer with him because I pity him, now it's pretty much because I don't have the money to leave him. If I leave him then I have to pay for my plane ticket back home, I don't have money for a plane ticket and my family doesn't have money to get me one, so I'm pretty much stuck here. I feel so cornered and trapped. I seriously just feel like going and cutting myself, I feel so overwhelmed. I'm trying to think positive (my way of thinking positive) but everything I come up with I think I'd prefer…no, that's a lie, I just thought of a few things…getting burned alive and still having nerve endings and surviving. Getting thrown into a pit full of teenage pythons. Getting poked to death with a pichfork…etc.
I really hope I'm wrong about the morning.