Let’s be honest, I think my life is good but I am the one that makes it miserable. There are people in my life who try to be nice to me, but I have difficulty accepting them, I have life that is livable but I constantly engaged in destructive activities that makes it difficult for me to like myself. Making my life in a mess. I am a bit angry with myself and wanted to change. Let me write this out so that I have more energy to change?
I had always been a good girl, nice, helpful and generally people do like me. Problem only started when I start living with my mum (I had not been living with her for long since young. She went to USA to study when I am 8 years old. I had been staying with my aunt or other people most of the time until I started working.) I am a sensitive person who can sense people’s need, I tend to fulfill others’ need before it is voice. I like to make others happy. But when I am staying with my mum, I realized that I have needs that are more important to me than others’ happiness. I am unwilling to give, I am actually a selfish person. I realized that I loved my job, I enjoyed solving its problems, and I spent time solving them. But my mum is very stressed when I do that. She wanted me to be happy, happy 24 hours. And she will try ways and means to make me happy: asking me to eat some food, watch some show with her, help her in this and that, just distracting me, saping my energy to solve the problem.. she didn’t know that I am capable, the problems are within my ability to solve.. I plead with her to stop, tell her to ignore me, tell her that I am ok, but she said she is unable to. I loved my job and enjoyed doing it. But when she is saping my energy to solve the problem, I am worried that I may not be able to do my job well. I am very angry and very depressed. I think I am a smart person, but try as I might, I cannot resolve the problem. I guess that is because it is behavioral, I am unable to understand her and I think that I have the right to live the way I want. I am unable to touch her to change.
My mum is a perfectionist. She has to be perfect, all things go by the book. She said when she is young, she has no sense of hungry and full. So she goes by the book, morning has to take one bowl of rice, she will take one bowl of rice. Regardless of hungry or full she will take that at that time because it is the right thing. I guess being happy and not burden others with your trouble is the right thing, showing a happy face at all time is a right thing and she demanded it from me. Helping me achieving it?
At that point of time, I am just depressed, I wanted to solve work problem and she refused to allow me, I acted out by playing computer games, simple mindless games like spider solitaire or bejewel. Played late into the night. Just to gain control of my life? But I felt miserable. I just wanted to work and work hard, I do not understand why I am refused. And I do not know how to solve this problem. I ignore her, she distracted me persistently, I screamed at her, she break down and cry, once she even came to reason to me why I have to fall in to society’s expectations, with anger. On hindsight, she felt that I am not falling to society’s expectation by not smiling 24 hours. Being kind and considerate 24 hours. We have different opinion of how things are. To me, home is a place I unwind, I can be myself, rest and recharge for the next day. I can only be perfect if I have time to unwind. It is not her reality. One can be perfect 24 hours, you do not need downtime. I guess she has tremendous will power, she can suppress her urge and needs and accommodate others with no downtime, at times, she will have sudden outburst. But as she is super nice, people always forget those incidence, as if it is non existence.. it is just not coherent with her character, and people just dismiss it. I guess I wanted a different life. I am a different person and I want to live my own life, not under some rules that I did not buy into. These are differences which I do not know how to reconcile. I was quite emotional then too.. It hurts me tremendously to see my mum in misery. I wanted her to be happy, but I wanted to worry for my work too. At the back of everything, I wanted a say in how I live my life. I am just depressed because I cannot find a way out. …
I guess this is something I am trying to escape through my endless computer gaming. I find myself playing computer games endlessly. Not that I enjoy and it affect my sleep, my breath is bad and I am conscious talking to people. I am less responsive to others and wanted to avoid social settings.
Just to complete the story, my mum solved this through her contact of cancer and eventual suicide. I find myself being able to live again, able to feel happiness and joy after she is gone. She said she is not afraid of death but she is afraid of pain. The pain is unbearable. Ever since her death, I think I am plunge in guilt, yet I felt livable. I knew she gave back my life by her death. I am struggling to live normally now.. I found myself engaging in endless escape strategy: gaming, pokemon, watching video, buying food, anything just so that I do not process my thoughts. I am surprised that after so long, 9 years after her death, I am still unable to process the whole thing. My tears still flow while writing and I wanted to do something else.. I am waiting for the day I can face the whole issue and able to tell the whole story calmly. One day at a time. I felt this website helps. Thanks a lot.