new understanding has come over. suddenly im no longer mad, i understand why the circumstances happened, but i dont feel like it shouldve happened exactly how it did. regardless, if im going to work on bettering myself, i feel so overwhelmed. this challenge is so great, and the odds against me are so high. the mountain is mount everest, and im not a mountain climber, i have no experience, no gear, and no help from anyone, nowhere to start. im left wondering, what then? what do i do now? i dont wanna spend every day of my life feeling this horrible, feeling this overwhelmed, and confused, this helpless and sad and angry. i have zero faith in myself. i believe in others, i know everyone else can do it, but not me. so what do i do now? sit here all night and watch pointless videos on the internet. worrying about my gf and my life and hers and everything in between, confused and clouded in the head, dreading every moment and hating it more as they come? i wanna fix this so bad. its been so long since ive seen anything go in the positive direction as far as my mental health. i want to get better, i want to change, i want to fix this, all of this, but i have no idea how to, nothing works for me. so try again? by doing what? and how? i know i cant die on anyone, but is it bad that i dont wanna do any of this, because i feel its too hard, too immense to conquer. and that makes me a quitter, that makes me a loser whos afraid to face the world, it makes me a failure to everyone, and most of all myself. but its true, i dont wanna do it and i am afraid and i have no idea wwhat im doing in my life at all and i want all that to change so bad.