I was able to get an appointment with my psychologist. I have been feeling sick since this weekend and with that I have been on edge. I have been dreading the days I have to help out at the school. This cold has made my head stuffy and tight. I guess I have to explain why this discomfort is magnified. I was born with Hydrocephalus (excess water on the brain) and I have had several surgeries. Headaches–bad ones–are a symptom of a shunt malfunction. I have been able to distinguish the difference between a normal headache and a severe one. While this headache feels nonthreatening, I still feel worn down. All I want to do is sleep or lay down. I keep feeling hot then cold and hot again. I took my temperature but it was normal. I'm not very good at self-soothing…I feel like a little kid wanting their mom to help…I feel so pathetic and weak.
I want to find some comfort amid this pain.
I guess since I was born with Hydrocephalus, my parents felt a need to protect me and I guess coddle me. I can't blame them…I blame myself for not pushing for independence. I have always worried about my shunts and whether they are working. Every time I get a headache, I can't help but wonder if I will need surgery. I am not scared of the surgery but the pain and what comes with it. When I was 17, on my birthday, I was having head pain and told my mom. I had to have a shunt revision the next day. I think, since I have had over ten of these surgeries, I have trouble telling the headaches apart and when they happened. I think one of the most recent surgeries was bad. I spent three days in bed and when I went to the ER, I was really bad off. I just remember vomiting while in a chair. Iwish I could stand on my own, so to speak. I wish I felt I could do what it takes to be able to care for myself.

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