ever since i came to this site, i have felt much better within. i have met so many wonderful folks on here and i have gained comfort from each and every one of you. it truly has helped me immensely. i am stronger in mind and spirit. that being said, i am not strong enough to fully successfully battle this whatever inside my brain. everyday i read things on here and i think, 'oh, i have so been there or done that or worried about that'. but, everyday i still think i am the worst person on here. if someone could look inside my head and see the thoughts/visions that zip past my consciousness they would think i was a monster. heck, i think i am some sort of monster. something that got messed up in the making. i have almost no self esteem because of this. well, somedays i have good self-esteem, almost good anyway. but most days i can look at myself in the mirror and just be disgusted. my bad thoughts have returned. not to their worst, but they are still draining me. and today, for some ungodly reason, i had a conversation with a friend that sent my bad thoughts on a frenzy. my friend is a former social worker who used to work in child welfare. for some reason today we got on the subject of child physical and sexual abuse issues she had had to deal with in her days working. about the cases she had seen, the people she had met, the folks who had lost their children. we really had a good conversation, but i could tell about 5-10 minutes in i should have changed the subject somehow, because the thoughts were already starting to boil up. oh, it was awful. we didn't talk forever on the subject, probably 20 minutes, but by the time she left i had already convinced myself that i was some type of abuser. oh my goodness how i worry about that shit. i hate it. once again, i know i have said it before, but all i freaking want is to be a nice, kind person. but the thoughts inside me make me feel like a monster. and then i fear i am having thoughts way worse than folks on here…and then i am certain i am a monster…