I have had a wonderful day of change and adventure…broken routines, and simple lack of reliability of others (which I know is not realistic to begin with) Sis was suppose to meet me for breakfast and well was still in bed when I hit her with a call then a text to see what was up…Strike one…more texts and well I end up at DD for b-fast just not with her…Get back home and Sis did come over for coffee then I walked her home and hit the park, and marina with the kids. I had managed to throw a ham in the oven so we could have a big dinner when we got back home (which might have gotten a tad overdone)…It was nice to spend all this time outside today. They had a riot on the sailboat, I didn’t take them out only because the lake is so choppy right now. We played with other peoples dogs in the park, that is always easier than having my own…LOL Maybe too much coffee today…I am not sure..but all in all most of it has been good…I struggle with the change though…I TRY so hard…to go with it and not let it get to me…I have so much good circling around me…yet…yet..something is still just not there yet. 
 
Maybe…this has something to do with it?
 

I knew something was not right after I came out of rehab…my second marriage had come to an end…I didnt love her( prob had not for years)…but that didnt matter..I clenched my fists and stomped my feet and dug in deep…for the fight of a life time…no good reason…as soon as I felt out of control I just reached and grabbed at anything things I dont even remotely give a shit about…yes temper tantrums..uh huh…and that is how I have always dealt with not getting my own way..fuck everyone I want it here and now…you hurt me..fuck you..hurt some back…good old psychotherapy seems to help..I have to learn to grow up and develop coping mechanisms..My coping was anger BIG FUCKING UGLY ANGER ususally directed at myself ot inanimate objects…and all of those self defeating tendancies….for me aside of the drinking which "Preserved" me at a young age…I also was locked in my room for a good 3 plus years and I seemed to miss out on some social skills and basic human interaction…and No I blame no one for where I am…I take responsibility for my actions and its up to me to learn to make it work so I can function in the world…

 

Somedays…I do just need to know…

 

Love Michael…

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