Good morning. I've heard blogs are like journals so I guess I'll start with what got me here.
My current situation that has me deeply depressed is my relationship with my girlfriend. I started into this relationship after having been single for about 8 years, used to doing my own thing when I wanted, so I am very rusty when it comes to dating. We met back in November and needless to say things escalated rather quickly. She was supposedly unable to get pregnant due to complications with a pregnancy a few years prior so we didn't take any precautions. Well, miracles happen and one happened to us. Neither of us are in a very good position right now so being the realistic person I am I was against keeping the child from the beginning. Seeing as how this happening was against the odds, and the fact she wanted to have a child of her own some day, she wanted to keep it in case this would be her only chance. For the past month I have been openly negative and not seeing the bright side of this, only looking at the impending financial concerns, educational and social issues with today's public schools, and the general sacrifices we will need to make. I went from being a single man for 8 years to boyfriend to father in the matter of a few weeks. I was selfish and wasn't even thinking about the impact this was having on my girlfriend. After some time I came to accept the situation but I was still mostly negative. This past week everything I'd already dealt with finally hit her but instead of being open like I was, she's become introspective. She's thinking about literally everything, including us and how negative I'd been. She says she just needs some time to think and we've barely spoken since Thursday.
Now for the meat and potatoes of why I'm so deeply depressed. This separation and sudden lack of communication has given me a chance to reflect back on how unfairly I've been treating her. I was there to help provide what minimal financial support I could with some pressing issues she was facing but I wasn't helping her emotionally. I'd been unknowingly and unintentionally pushing her away. Now she's reevaluating our relationship status and I can't do anything about it. I've learned from my mistake and have developed a positive outlook on everything, and even came to find out I actually love her but the damage is done. I learned all of this a little too late.
I've told her all of this but all she says is she still needs time to think. I believe I made a slightly positive impression but she's still giving me the silent treatment and not wanting to meet unless it's an appointment for the baby. I understand this is my fault but I was at least communicating my feelings. She's chosen to barely speak to me and it's driving me crazy with the possible bad outcomes.
The silence is killing me (almost literally), I don't have many friends to talk to, I work a 2nd shift manufacturing job that leaves me with a lot if time to just think, and I can't get my mind to wind down at bedtime. It'd be nice to have someone to text or chat online with to help pass the time and keep my mind occupied with something other than the constant loop of despair and ideation.