Hey All,

First of all to those who read this whole thing because it will be long, Iapplaud you, haha. I know I havent been on in a while, well thats because for the most part things were goin good. The violent thoughtswerent so bad and It was managable. Right now though I cant say the same. Idont even know where to start. But Im back in school now doin one more semester of high school,and progressively over thepast couple of weeks things have been gettin worse for me mentally, The thoughts are rough cause its like thathavent beenthis bad for a while so Its likeIm not usedto em, and I got a headache. Its just rough, and the worries about being psychotic or a serial killer, and not being able to have a normal life are comin back. Itsrough to because I recently connected with an old friend who I had a crush onandher and Ihave been talkin and texting alot, and I feel those feelings coming back, we haventseen each other in personyet cause she is livin about3 hours away cause she recently had a baby. She is coming to visit in March for the break,butwith the bad thoughts Im having its killin me, I dont think she should come because of them, itworries me. As for the divorce situation with my parents itsinto motion but still slow, my mom recently got a letter from my dad'slawyer with one of the options being we sell the house but my mom does not getpaid enough to get aone room apartment let alone a three bedroom. Im backto that almostfeeling nothing stage. I guess its just the depressiontalking, but I also went tosee a new psychiatriston tuesday, but he didnthave any of my files so I kinda had to start from the beginning, and when I told him about the violent thoughts , he said"homicidal" and startedasking about "Schizophrenia" and such, and I remember my stomach just dropping, I felt sad, angry, just a wholeclusterfuck of emotions. NowIm worryin aboutschizophrenia,because I have thesethoughts, but I told him that Im not hearing voices, these thoughts just pop into my head uncontrollably and it feels like every part of my body is telling me toact on them, but I just dont. Its just so hard and stressful. I guess Im just basically lost in amaze of sadness, issues, worries. I told this guy to that Im taking avictory lap at school and he goes and says "How is that a victory?" I felt likepunching him in theface, I already feel likea failure for going back but that just hurt, I was speechless, I dont know ifIm going to go back to him.Shits rough I guess.

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