I keep thinking it is this time period in my life that is this reason for this dark cloud. When I read my past journals I know it isn't just this time period.

I don't get why I'm so sad all the time with negative thoughts being a constant in my head.

I should be happy being engaged and turning 30, but happy is not in my vocabulary. I'm not sure if I want to marry him..yet. It's been 7 years and I'm still unsure. Is it him? Or me? OR both. I really don't know.

Life in general has been so hard. There has been so much death the past couple years.. I feel I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to him. He doesn't get it. He doesnt realize how dark this cloud is..

I think back and say that death is hard to go through.. The last 3 have been different though. Sorry but I'm going to get graphic about this… I need a place to just be open and not judged..

Death 1…His dad. He was a man tat struggled with addiction.. He once was a heroin addict..He then was an alcoholic and pill popper. He was in and out of jail and hospitals..When he was in these places it was nice because it felt the burden was lifted..So sad to think of a person as a burden. A sick person no less.. We feared for his life and we never wanted to get that call..but we did.. We got a call from a coroner..they said they found his body in a motel room….Of course we all felt they would find out it was an overdose..It ended up not being so. His heart just finally gave out on him.. Not really a "heart attack"..just a heart saying okay guy I'm done..It had been about 2-3 weeks once the funeral home got the body..The body was never prepared for a viewing..The daughter and ex wife (sort of..never technically divorced) requested to see him one last time…The funeral home assured us that he would look "presentable"..He didn't..I mean we weren't stupid..We know that bodies go through a process and 2-3 weeks is a long time..but we were reassured and reassured…He looked awful..one of the worst things I had ever seen…He was grey/green…much like puter that had been outside for a bit. I can't believe that they subjected that to his family..I was in shock..I yelled at the funeral director, but damage had been done…. I still have those mental images stuck in my head..I feel like I failed because we always tried to help him and we just couldn't..I couldn't save his life.

Death 2…5 months later our cat… Our cat Marley was 3 years old… She got some rare illness called Chylothorax..it's where fatty fluid get's into the chest cavity and suppressing the lungs.. We went through a few processes of draining the fluid but it kept filling up..We ended up doing surgery..She had a rough time. It was a rough surgery..I feel guilty I didn't ask more questions about it.. I didn't know how serious this surgery was.. She fought for about 3 days…and the 3rd day she went into cardiac arrest..the vet called and said we need to make a decision..we went down to see her..She was lying on her stomach on a table and the nurse was giving her oxygen.. She looked like she was suffering..Really struggling..We felt she was done fighting..We ended up putting her to sleep.. I held her and cried while she went. I feel guilty..I feel that we put her through so much and then in the end I gave up on her..Again I feel I didn't ask enough questions.. i never asked is this the only option..It was always money to the vet. He always mentioned the cost…we had pet insurance so we really didn't care..but even so we gave up..I feel it was good for her because she didn't have to suffer anymore..but maybe it was just harder on me to watch.. Who in the hospital ever looks good? I don't know I just feel guilty..Again a fail of saving someones life..

Death 3…4 months later….My grandma…. Super Bowl Sunday…my family was in the Bay area visiting some other family..My grandma was at home in her apartment in Southern Ca…Everyone talked to her that morning on the phone except for me.. We were ALL around the table eating breakfast at our favorite restaurant and she called and the phoen was passed to everyone..It never came to me..I guess a few hours later she eneded up having a hemmoradic stroke.. Her neighbor found her the next day still breathing but unconscience on the ground..She was ambulanced to the hospital..my aunt was called and went right to the hospital.. My dad called me a little later and told me what happened.. I was on my way back from the Bay Area..and went right to the hospital. My grandma was laying there with a tube to help her breath., My aunt and uncle were sitting with her. We didn't know much about what was going on..We just knew it wasn't good.. My mom was still up in th Bay Area and took a flight and came right to the hospital. She hugged me and said "I'm scared.."..i had to head back to my apartment with "him" since we had been gone that weekend and we needed to go check on the cats.. My aunt and mom made the decision that night to turn off the breathing machine..the doctor said she would go fast..She didn't…I went back to the hospital the next day…I sat with my mom and aunt in my grandmas room…My grandma was gasping the whole time…never opened her eyes.. She looked so different,,She was a strong lasy and this just came out of no where..My mom and aunt decided to go home that night and I couldn't leave my grandmothers side so I stayed behind…I talked to her for a couple hours.. I told her what had happened and where she was..I was sitting there reading to her passages from the bible..nothing specific…She was a very religious woman so I figured she would like to her some passages.. I also counted the seconds between her breaths…they kepts getting longer..Then as I was reading I noticed I hadn't heard her gasp in a long time…I said I love you Grandma..and she turned her head (eyes still closed)..and she did I guess what you would call the death rattle..and she lifted up a little and then sunk back down and her head went back to the side position..and that was it.. I just sat there staring at her and then went to the nurse to tell them..I sat there and waited for my mom and aunt who I had to call and tell them..i sat in my grandmas room and just waited….She was rightthere in front of me, but she was gone..

I don't know how everyone else seems to be ok..Everyone else seems to just have moved on…I did forget to mention I lost my office job I hated about 3 weeks before my grandma died.. I had been with the company for 4 years and they let me go saying that I was making mistakes when I wasn't. I was in a crappy department and the boss lady just didn't like me….I guess I didn't fit in the mold.. Anyways..So It's been a year and half of just being in our apartment… I don't do much.. I watch a lot of TV. Without TV or some other distraction my mind spins and I get bad thoughts and I just need a distraction…

Since I lost my job I don't have health insurance..So I can't go see someone. I'm lost.. It's not just the past couple of years.. I think it just intensified with every thing that happened.. I don't know who to talk to. I feel withdrawn..I don't want to be around people.. I don't want to be intimate.. I'm trying to exercise and it helps temporarily get me out of my funk..but this persistent dark gloomy cloud seems to always find me..