I feel so lost and helpless these days. I even resorted to taking St Johns Wart, to help with my depression. It's starting to consume me. Every day is a struggle. Even to get out of bed and go to work seems like… I just can't do it.
I feel like Mike has permanently broken me down far enough over the 3 years I was with him. I feel like I am just destined to be broken now. I can never love. When I laugh, it's all a show. Being around the most inspirational people of my life yesterday, the people I could always feel happy around, I can't now. I have to put on a face for even them. I want to show emotion yesterday and I just couldn't. I couldn't even bring myself to say something, as a speech, at Ms. Glastones retirement party. She's like a second mother to me. One of the most important people in my life. I felt so cheap.
I don't know how to come out of this. It's just waves crashing along a cliff side, wearing it down, till it becomes sand and is apart of the ocean itself. I am the cliff and the people who have come in and out of my life are the waves. I don't know how much more crashing and wareing away I can take.
All the abuse and torture Mike put me through. I've never been this depressed. Not to this extent. Most days it's hard not to kill myself. Not to put an end to myself. He tortured me. Belittled me, cut me down, every day. Made me feel like I was worth nothing. Like I deserved nothing. He even told me I deserved nothing. I just don't know what to do anymore. Therapy doesn't help, pills only bring a temporary fix. *sighs*