Early this morning I realised that I hadn’t written a blog for a while. I was going to write a positive blog for a change, but now I don’t feel like it. I’m heading down again.
Only two more days until I go home and I can feel my depression starting to kick in. It took me up until this morning to recover from the last time I went home, and tonight it has just hit me that I’m heading back there in a couple of days time. I’m not sure what to do. If I ignore it I’ll freak out as soon as I dump my bags back in my room at home. If I try to distract myself I’ll last for an extra couple of hours maybe.
Should I call somebody? Maybe. I haven’t called home since I left last week. I have been talking a bit to Housemate A on Facebook about my depression. I had to apologise for the state she found me in on Sunday night. I want to call her but I don’t know what to say. I find it so much easier when I write things down. I can’t lie when I write it down.
I had my parents call me from overseas at the office today. I didn’t want to talk to them. I want to talk to my Housemate A but I still can’t. I’m going to head to the mess and see how I feel after dinner. My fear is that I call home and Housemate B answers the phone. She has been on anti-depressants for eight years and I don’t feel like another ‘just wait until the meds work’ lecture. Stuff it. I’m off to the mess to grab some food.
…Discontinued until I’ve eaten…
My workmates started to get into a pretty long discussion regarding a project in West Africa at the mess so I snuck away back to my room. I didn’t feel like talking about dirt. It’s not important anymore.
I still haven’t decided whether to call home or not. I’m dying for a scotch right now. I haven’t drunk anything in two days (or was it one day). But if I had the scotch I wouldn’t be writing this right now. I’d be watching telly and feeling sorry for myself.
This week my housemate said to me on Facebook “ Let me know what I can do to help. I don’t know what to say or do”. But I have no idea how she can help. I feel like this is something that needs to be fixed by me. Nobody else can make these choices for me. I’m going to have a shower
…Discontinued until I’ve had a shower…
At one point in the shower I decided to call home. Now I’m cold and I don’t really want to. Unless I make a change in my life this cycle will continue forever. I need to separate myself from my depression somehow. Here’s hoping that nobody answers the phone.
…Discontinued until I call home…
Nobody answered the phone. I actually feel worse now.
I didn’t bother leaving a message.