Hi guys,

WOW is all i can say… what an amazing week… it is so cool when you are actually released from the bondage you feel inside. weather it be from the drink, the drugs, or just you!!! i am the later of the three. the drinking and the drugs were released from me when i admitted complete defeat for them many years ago. but the problem with me was self… I am my own worst enemy. all my life i prided my self in accepting my stuff weather it was good, bad or indiferant…. and for the most part that was true. until i really started looking at everything. My sponsor last week really came down hard on me (i didn't think so) but she did. and her point in that conversation was STOP playing the victim… wow what a concept. I did not really think that i was until she pointed out the finger pointing i was doing and the amount of control these people had over me.  and it was pour me…. well in the real world (that i sometime escape from) I was so tied up in them that when the sponsor pointed this out  i was released from the bondage of them and i had to put that finger pointing  right back at me.. I had to admit that i did not like this girl and my actions showed it.. i did not respect her.. my actions showed it.. i did not like his recovery… my actions showed it… so what is my part of all this… ME!!!!! I was so consumed in them them them that i lost total site of ME and what i was to be doing in recovery… sharing my experience strength and hope… wow what another concept… You know in this journey i have come to realize EVERYONE make mistakes and everyone grows at there own pace.. not mine… (dang it) and for me to live this chaos free life that i want and desire i have to let that ALL go and stop pointing the finger at them, stop playing that victim (that apparently my sponsor says i am good at) and concentrate on me…. what is that going to take for  me… Taking back the control that i gave so freely away because i wanted to fit in….well you know what I do fit in… and the ones that i fit in with are people who love and accept me for who and what i am… (that by the way have always been there) but i never knew it. so today i have to remember that it is so true when i am busy pointing my finger at them I loose total site of me and i really need to be looking at me… ok so you are all saying this girl has how much time in recovery…. well let me tell you i might have time in recovery but i am human and when i am in fear… i will still do the crazy things… I was told that i will have every one of the  defects that i came into these rooms with. But with time they will lesson… but occasionally they will pop back up in full force just reminding me that i have not arrived and that there is still always work to do on    me… today for me is in the knowing… i like being there. there is such a freedom that comes with that. that bondage, wow what a cunning and powerful thing… i am glad that with recovery come awarenesses. That when consumed with fear you never see… I am on this awesome journey today… and am very grateful for all of them… and i can Pray that they get in there lives what there god sees fit to give them… that is not for me to decide any longer…  

1 Comment
  1. daleOM 12 years ago

    Hi thanks for your honesty and it was some share up Joy. I could feel it all the way over here in London.

    I get total identification as I had a good hour and a half of my sponsers boot up my backside today! He is old timer who tells it as it is and lives the Book. I have recently gone through a seperation and all the stuff which came from that.

    I have found recently that I need my God more and more everyday. I personally have no choices… only God can do for me what I can not do for myself. Recently I had so much pain I thought my chest was caving in… truth is it was my ego again got in the way.

    If I claim to have this programme I have to remember the deal… I handed my will and my life over to care of my God.. that means my will and my life… even my ex partner, house etc… God has been so good to me yet I still get in the way… still run the show, tread on peoples toes and pay the price.. my thinking then tells me I aint insane! I forget He gave me all that, He loves those I love more than me… He loves me so much He says no… regulary. I love recovery, I love life even when it really, really dont go the way I had planned. If I trust Him I know I am going to be OK. Thanks for you share and letting me share back. Peace and love Dale   

     

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