People often say, "I don\'t know what you are thinking". I\'m both glad and sad that they don\'t. I just don\'t want to reveal. Secure in my own world. Since in my childhood I got into many trouble because of that. Once I hid my injury from parents for no rational reason, and went bad and started to stink and then they were so upset. ha
There are things I am ahsmaed of for sure, but most of the times I just simply don\'t want to share. I\'ve become very possessive of my own thought, memories, and ideas, denying access to anyone out of curiousity knocks at my door. But here having tried to express myself in open, I think that\'s a good start. oH i don\'t want to stress myslef over fixing sentences sorry.
I usually share anything materially, or give up time and effort for others if needed, but rarely willing to share anything personal. That\'s why close people or my family get very angry sometimes, for not being able to grasp what I am thinking. In fact even I am not sure what I\'m thinking and can\'t articulate well enough to convince myself.
Often I doubt if I really possess these thoughts or memories. Surely my unwillingness to keep any forms of records of the past, and this ignore-the-past attitude made me so blind and at loss sometimes. My present thoughts are also mired in confusion and chocked up down below, and is utterly incomprehensible.
So what I am trying to hide and protect? Nothing. Oh it is this revealation I\'ve been so afraid of. There is nothign coherent in my thought or memory, if anyone knocks my door a little hard, the house that is empty may just collapse.
Oh i found a nice memorable quote…
“Because the fact of not being understood by other people had become my only real source of pride, I was never confronted by any impulse to express things and to make others understand something that I knew. I thought that those things which would be seen by others were not ordained for me. My solitude grew more and more obese, like a pig.” — Yukio Mishima, The Temple of the Golden Pavillion
I will probably regret and delete this blog tomrorow