I think at this point of my life, I am really struggling with myself, more than struggling with my depression itself. People don’t realised that when you are depressed, you are fighting something very, very scary. Imagine breathing absolutely fine, feeling absolutely np pain physically in your body, and yet being able to think about hurting yourself to a degree of taking your breath away. Its knowing you’re in a state of being without actually being, like something is pushing you to do something you don’t want to. Yet, at the same time, you do. Why? Do I not think of everyone who loves me? I do, but than even I don’t understand this myself. How can I want to die so badly, yet in the corner of my heart, know that I’m fine breathing, that I’m fine seeing? How can I give up my conscience for happiness? When I die, can I still think? Do I really have a soul? I know I sound absolutely crazy right now, but I don’t know these answers. I don’t know if god exists. I don’t know if there are angels. I’m trying to convince myself to walk along the same path as everyone else and believe, but how can I believe when I really don’t? Wouldn’t it be wrong if I was pretending to believe in something I don’t? How can I take all my thoughts, happy or sad, and let them go away. Am I scared of losing myself in death? Or am I scared that everything I’ve been told about religion is wrong, and that I am just matter living on this earth to be perished when I’m gone? To know that all I thought and felt would no longer exist? To know that the second before I die, the intense pain of just not dying itself, but the emotion would be stapled onto me even after I die? Am I scared of what? Why?
I think about how much I love life every day. I’m not talking about my life, but life itself literally. I think about how much I love the fact I can breathe, walk, talk, and think the way I do. I love knowing that these things make me alive. But I think I’m assuming that by killing myself, these things will all still be a part of me when I die. That I can think, and be something more even after I am completely cold, numb. I love life so much. But I hate the pain in it. I have no control of my emotions anymore. Because one day I am fine, and the next I crash and burn.