27.02.2017
Today was my first day of the psychiatry course.it was a long day we had only seminar from 8:00 a.m until 2:00 p.m it was an introduction about mental illness , honestly i don’t know i felt wired.its not that unusual from me. i’m wired all the time or lets say most of the time.the doctor name is the same as the doctor who is responsible about my treatment.i felt sad actually
because i remember being in the psychiatric hospital in 2015 and for me it felt as if i had a heart attack or something in that year.i have also practical classes in a psychiatric hospital and what make things worse is that everyday in a different places so its very hard for me to concentrate
i well see what can i do to make this course finish with peace.
28.02.2017
Today was rough day i started psychiatry course yesterday and i feel confused. Today we had a lecture about mood disorder and about depression and bipolar disease , right now all what im thinking about is graduation for me graduation is very important, its not that i want to be a doctor , the point is that i don’t want to need others , i want to be dependent on myself as much as i can.what else about today we watched a movie about anorexia , and also a movie about a man who was a surgeon and he admitted him self into a psychiatric hospital i think he is very brave to have done that and is talking about it now. tomorrow i will have classes in a psychiatric hospital ward i hope i wont be so confused thats all about for today.
1.03.2017
Today was my first day at the psychiatric ward.Well not as a patient but as a medical student. I felt very sad and angry.I just can not believe i was in such a place , i can not believe i left myself in such a place. its just very damaging to my soul very unexpected event in my life. I know things do happen, but not as worse as that.I Just want to learn how to cope with this
my therapist never gave me an idea about how to cope with this. it just so hard , I sometime do question why did that happen to me , or why did i allow it to happen. I know everything do happen for a reason but not as tough as that,I just don’t have any close friends , no enough family to support when your family is there it does not mean they feel your pain.maybe I should learn how to live my life with this pain. I did very stupid things in the past , i started my psychotherapy alone, i fall in love with my psychiatrist and i allowed myself to be so attached to him , I quit my psychotherapy by myself.i isolated myself from the world because i was or i’m still dissociated i even don’t know , i did all that i know everything has a consequences. i saw 2 patients today one was with szchisoaffective disorder with manic episode and the second patient was a man with dementia.
2.03.2017
Today was my fourth day of the psychiatry course. i actually was so sad and angery yesterday ,but today im better i even thought about very bad things . when i was in the hospital in 2015 my father said something like i wish you dead, and when i have thoughts about death myself i get very angery at him. yesterday i told him may i get my revenge from you from god. i dont know why im so angery at him, maybe because in saudi arabia there is zero rights for females. i feel like he is the boss and if i wanted to do something myslef like traveling or something, he will refuse and i will be stuck with my mental diseases and with saudi arabia, and i honestly don’t know what to do i know the most important thing is to focus on graduation now. and right i dont have any close friends and my family they dont have emotions honestly. back to today i just had a lecture about general mental assessment and what else the doctors looked good not scary and thats all for today tomorrow im going to germany for the weekend.
8.03.2017
Today i went to the psychiatry course very late, the doctor was angry and he did not agree to sign my paper for attendance. i got angry at first , but later i tried to calm myself down, then i felt better , these days i feel no one loves me , i know this is not a new thing,but i wish if i have a lover someone to love other then my boring family.about today i saw a patient with schizophrenia he was 47 year old man he had voices in his head
he has the disease for 15 years and he is now also in major depression.about me i feel no one support me , i just need to support myself like tomorrow i have to go to psychiatry ward to actually meet another patients , its very hard for me as i just think i’m afraid to go crazy for ever, i asked my dr to sign me the papers that i should do because she already teaching in the university, but she was like not sure if she should sign or what ever , so i was angry of her so i talked with in a bad language and later i think she hanged the phone.i think i just need to go back to reality and go tomorrow to meet some patients. i hope things will be fine.
13.03.2017
Today was the first day of the last week of the psychiatry course we had a seminar and honestly i was not listening i was busy with my mobile searching for healthy sweets that i can make, what else important this month i have psychiatry exam and im planning for tribe to greece , those days i feel suffocated by my family i feel sometime i need their love not their authority i’m 26 right now and i feel my father is treating me as if i was 7 years , sometime i just want to get marry or die i know its very stupid to think about death just because you don’t have enough freedom
im afraid of the future of me going back home im planning to study polish language hard and pass the exam to stay 1 more year in poland and who knows maybe more if god wanted thats all for today.
14.03.2017
today i was late for the class i had to set alone in the class room then the dr come and i joined the rest of the group,the dr was ridiculous she was like asking me whats wrong with your face , dont you like the classes, honestly i just answered her god created me with this face what should i do
it was embracing. now i afraid that im some how unaware of my facial expressions.the good thing that she signed for me that i attended the class
we finished early today around 12 p.m.

18th.03.2017
Today i feel not that good because i had psychiatry test yesterday and it was not that good i don’t know if i’m gonna pass it or not, if i don’t pass it.i will have to set for a retake test and what bothers me more is that the final for psychiatry is next friday and if i don’t pass the credit it means i will not be able to enter the final exam with other students next friday i know i should not be pessimistic and just wait for the results on monday. other story is that i’m starting forensic medicine next week , i feel im afraid they said its so scary i honestly dont want to see anything make me more crazy , I’m crazy already, i again i should not be so in a rush i just want to graduate to feel better and pass the polish exam so i can start my internship here in poland and just be stable for another year
which will make my health in a better condition.
Forensic medicine
20.03.2017
Today i started my 3rd course in the second semester of my last year in medicine.its forensic medicine, its very sad specialty , as you mostly deal with dead people. honestly i don’t know how to describe my feelings. its like its only imagination and that never did happen , but you go back again and think its a man who died its not a class or exam but a human died just one week ago and you need to be part of his autopsy so you can go further
last night i could not sleep well i wake so early like at 3:00 a.m in the morning for me it was good thing because i had dissociation already , i wake up so it means my brain is ready for such things.i wake up at 3:00 a.m and then i just could not go back to sleep because of thinking how will be my reaction toward the dead person.i could not go to sleep so i took lusy my dog for a walk it was 6:00 a.m at the time i went back at 6:30 a.m got ready and went to my class i stoped by costa and grabbed a coffee, i was afraid that im gonna through up. i went to the bulding where are having the classes its oczki 1 called in polish Medycyna sądowa which means forensic medicine i entered the building and i was searching for my colloquies
first we had seminar and it was introduction to forensic medicine and later was the practical part which was an autopsy on a man who in his 50 he was traveling to warsaw with his secretary and he just collapse few days later and died , the secretary said that the man reported some chest pain , but he did not seek any medical help about his chest pain which during the autopsy indeed the man had a very diseased heart which caused his death.