I am new to the idea of joining support groups and only in the past few months have I been able to recognize and acknowledge that I have anxiety along with OCD. Even now just typing those words makes me want to tear up because to everyone I am close with, I am the last person they would think would have anxiety and OCD. It is still hard to admit it to myself. I have started seeing a therapist and haven’t told some of my family members. I am very functional and extremely good at hiding my anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive disorders, even from my family who I live with and am really close with. I have always been an anxious person even as a young child and I remember my obsession with counting and touching objects repeatedly starting at age 11 but I always thought OCD had to do with needing things to be organized and that everyone got anxious.
I am now in college and ever since my first year at University my anxiety has gotten much worse and is becoming harder to hide and suppress. I tried to live in the dorms my first year and I would have terrifying panic attacks but I had to try my hardest to keep quiet so as not to wake my roommates. That’s when I decided to live at home while going to school and it has helped a lot. I also developed hormonal acne at this time and it has only made my anxiety worse, much worse. I haven’t gone a day without a pimple somewhere on my body and it really gets me down. At the dorm, I would brush my teeth in the dark so I wouldn’t have to see my skin, I would wear full on makeup to the gym, long sleeves in warm weather, and became a skin-picker. I constantly pick at my skin along with counting and touching things four or five times. The acne has increased my anxiety to go out for the fear of people only seeing my acne and it has created a lot of self-loathing. I find it so hard to accept compliments from people and it makes me tear up.
I eat an extremely clean paleo-based diet with green veggies, lean meats, grass-fed butter, only water, tea, and coffee. I weight train and do cardio five times a week, yoga three times a week, and try to meditate. I also go to regular acupuncture and massage and take herbal supplements and vitamins. However, I still have acne and I still have intense anxiety and OCD. I am hoping that therapy will help and I really want to control my own mind, emotions, and health. Sometimes I feel so hopeless and like a terrible person for having this because I have a great home and family, I am smart and I know deep down I am beautiful but I can’t help but repeat this anxious and negative thought process every day. I feel so guilty for feeling this way and I don’t want to live my life like this. I don’t know if this is what a blog on here is supposed to be but I hope I offered some experiences that are relatable because I know that when I read something relatable, I feel much better.