I am a Pure-O sufferer. It is so plain and simple to me now. I have been doing a lot of research the past few months and now I realize with certainty that THIS is the part of the disorder that clutches me by the throat. It gets worse every day. I have put myself through so much. I am convinced that with the relief of this branch of my condition, the others will reduce in frequency. I have to put an end to it.
Maybe it's not typical compared to other Pure-O symptoms. Maybe it's a common feeling, but my "spikes" feel truely inescapable, because it's not negative thoughts that I ruminate on, but positive ones. It's the things in my life that I love or make me happy that I feel the need to sweep from my conscience. Because I feel if I let the thought linger, then these significantally warm thoughts will be tainted forever. It is EXCRUCIATING.
This can not go on any longer. I can't do much besides lay around and sleep when I'm by myself at this point. I find myself contemplating suicide. I feel I am on the verge of crying right now, and I have already broken down a few minutes ago. I am going to begin the self-imposed therapy tonight, which entails allowing the imposing thoughts to linger. This guarantees an impossible amount on anxiety and pain to process. It will get much harder before it (hopefully) gets any better. I write this to all of you in the conception of my decision as a form of catharsis, and to ask you to please wish me the strength. It is not like me to share my suffering. I am desperate. I come on here only when I am struggling, but I have talked to a good amount of you and you all are clearly beautiful people, spread out and vague yet with such an intimate knowledge of one another, because we are so few and far between. I would do anything for one of my "ocd brothers/sisters" (cheesy I know) if it meant helping one another, and I'm sure many of you would do the same. So if you read this, I ask you to please send me your positive energy if you want. I will need strength. With sincerity, thank you for reading.
Positive thoughts coming your way. 🙂 Please allow the therapy your trying some time to take, no matter how excructiating it is. Sometiimes it can take that push to make things better – I've had some experience with that, going to the brink and finding out it's not as far a drop as I thought. Hey, it's better than the alternative you're thinking about.
Good luck.
Stay Strong…and this too shall pass…and it will…we believe in you!
I don't know much of your history with trying to battle this disorder, but please try to get on medication if you have not already done so. Please find a way to meet with a professional counselor if you haven't yet. I feel it is important to attack this beast from as many angles as you can. Medication, counseling, mild exercise, some social activity, journaling/blogging, prayer/meditation, (try not to ruminate while doing this obviously) healthy distractions, (a video game, favorite movie, good book, concert etc.) continue learning about the disorder, and please please realize you are not alone. You are important and needed. Try to keep your feelings in the healthy fear category, and not in the panic zone. Fear is healthy, panic is not. But also, don't panic if you panic 🙂 I hope this helps. I liked those Black Sabbath lyrics. Please hang in there