I’m feeling pretty confused right now. But not about anything in particular. Just everything. I’ve got a million things running through my head and i’m having difficulty seperating them. I think what I might do is just list some of the things that are running around in my head.

My nose bleed today.. Since  had a car crash 4 years ago, I seem to get them every now and then. This one wasn’t as bad as I have had in the past, but still enough to have me running to the bathroom.

School, I should have done some assignment work these last few days, but I havn’t. I’m falling behind, but I’m struggling to get the motivation to do it. Motivation might be the wrong word. I don’t feel strong enough, or smart enough.

My future.. what is my future? Do i have one? whats in my future? I really don’t know.. its soo confusing.

Helping others… I try to help, but why does that not seem enough? i wish I knew how to help better. I can’t seem to find the right words of support… Is it ok to listen but not say the right thing? I wish I knew what to do.

Mental illness.. I was watching a medical show today, and the main topic was suicide. Probably not the best show for me to be watching. I know it was a fictional show, but still. There was one lady who had swollowed sleeping tablets, and refused to drink the activated charcol. Another lady was in the psych ward and she wanted to leave so bad, that she swollowed rose petals to try and make the point that she wanted to go.

I can understand why the woman with the charcol would want to refuse. I know I would too. I would make sure that it didn’t get to the point that the dr’s would try to save me. I’d be done before anyone would know. Well i’d try to make damn sure of it anyway. I found it interesting that the drs didn’t really show that much compassion for her. Thats the same response i got when I cut my wrist. They just want to bandage you up, and pass you on to the shrinks.

My drinking… Its gettng out of controll again… I’ve gone from sobriety one day, to going through 2 bottles of vodka in 4 days. I used to be able to make 1 bottle last 3/4 days. I have a quarter of a bottle left, and i’m sure that will be gone by the end of the night.

I really envy people (and i’m going to name names cause I think these guys are very strong).Unicorn2008, shes so brave in going back to AA, i’m so proud of her, and Sarah1221, going sober for her little girl. Such strength is admirable. They have the motivation, they have such good reasons for going sober, and here’s me.. I have nothing.. nothing to do it for. If I continue to drink, no one cares or notices.

I have been tired today. I slept through the afternoon.

I feel as though my eyebrows are always brought together in the middle. Like a constant frown, its hard to relax.

I don’t know.. i guess, i’m just kind of all over the place right now.

  1. chantymay 14 years ago

    I know exactly what you mean.  When your mind is going a mile a minute it”s hard for it to all make sense. 

    I struggle with school too.  I love to learn, but when I”m in the midst of a depressive episode I”m not at all interested in doing my assignments or attending class.  That doesn”t help my grade though. 

    I think people that don”t suffer from depression don”t understand enough to be compassionate.  They think you can just shake it off or that you”re just being lazy or weak.  They have no idea.  They also don”t realize how their reactions and lack of compassion effect us.

    hang in there


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  2. fallen_paradise 14 years ago

    Good morning =) Nose bleeds.. i get those too, and quite often in the summer.. iunno why but I hate it. Falling behind and lacking motivation in school.. ditto! Thank goodness this is the last week before exams.. but now i have to find energy to study for those.  I haven”t been much help to others lately while ive been trying to help myself heal and I feel like i”ve been somewhat successful..I question my future all the time.. some days I want to stay in school forever, I hate interviews, don”t know when I”m going to get a full time career or what kinda job I”d actually enjoy doing. I”ve been sober for about 6 months =) (mind you I don”t count a few accidental sips here n there).. It does take a lot of self-control though. First you have to get rid of any alcohol in the house. Drink it, sell it or drain it. Then set a goal.. a week, a month or w/e.. and keep track of your progress. Sometimes it helps if you keep track of your progress with someone else who is sober.  If you reach your goal, reward yourself with a non-alcoholic treat. Buy something nice for yourself, go to the spa or go see a movie. Set a new goal, and keep moving forward. For me, it just got to the point where I had had enough. Without alcohol I was able to be in control of myself and saw things more clearly. I saved a lot of money and learned to have fun without it. What helped me significantly is the fact that my boyfriend doesn”t drink. He taught me how to enjoy life without alcohol. If you find it difficult to set weekly or monthly goals, then first try to at least the amount of alcohol you drink for a week or for the month. You can do it, you just have to want to do it. <3 Jessica

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