Tonight was a rough night at first. I mean, it started off fun. but then it just changed drastically. So my new friends and I decided to meet up with other people. It just wasn't the setting I wanted to be in and being around them and what they were doing was triggering a lot of memories, flashbacks…. I sat in the corner cuddled to myself… Not breathing… Trying to go unnoticed… As soon as my phone rang, I spazzed and answered it not caring who it was. I was justy praying for an excuse to get the hell out of there… Luckly…. My gaurdian angel… Ohio boy, Connor, had called me. We talked and he stayed on the phone with me until I was worn out enough to sleep. But now I can't sleep. Funny thing is his voice plays through my head a little. Connor mentioned that I stress myself out. I guess I do, as proven by I can't sleep. I'm stressing right now about a lot.
I'm stressing about school, friends, family, Connor. I tend to be a perfectionist. I am all around. Thankfully Connnor and I agreed in a way that we wouldn't set ourselves up for expectations from eachother. So I guess that helps. But now I think because we don't have expectations, I'm scared I'm going to screw up. MMmmm. I want to meet him so I thought about suprising him and meeting him, but I rethought that it might be a bad idea. Then I thought it would be nice if he could stay here for a weekend or long weekend. I don't think that's possible. I hope someday it will be.
The thing is… I want to be with him so badly. He just seems so right. So perfect. I feel like I've known him all my life even though it's only been a couple weeks, days, hours. I just feel like it's natural with him. I wish I'd be able to just meet up with him and that things would work out, but I'm not sure if that'll ever happen. I guess I'll have to keep praying and wishing. Some how… Someday… I'll work towards making that happen…. I can only hope. Right?
So I'm currentrly watching Garden State for about the millionth time… I am at the part where htey stand on top of a random side car and just scream… I wish I could do that. I wish Connor were here. I wish I could meet him. I guess. I am really lucky to have him in my life. It's a funny thing. He makes me happy. I love him. I just. I feel like when and if we do meet, that he wont physically like me. I am too fat. Too problematic for him. Today. It's official, I have early set parkinsons. I wanted to talk to him about it, but I don't want to be negative or upset or have him lisen to me. Mmmm. I just want to make him happy, but sometimes I just don't know how. Connor is good to me. He's sweet, genuine, sincere. He has a way with words too. He's really smart and he's got this very unique personility that I like. He acts older than he is. I mean, I do to most times. So it's nice to be with a kid my age that acts the same way. Of course he's a lot more brilliant, but social wise. He's mature. I love that about him. Mmm. I wasn't sure how I was going to change that around, I mena being upset to happy, but Connor changed that. Isn't it funny how one person can change how you feel? I think it is. It's unusual. Sometimes though, I am not sure if he's saying I love you just for my benefit, just to try and keep me stable; or if he actually means it.