I started a fitness blog awhile ago but I found the novelty wore off fairly quickly, not because of a lack of interest in the subject but because of a lack of interest in telling people what I did at the gym and what I ate that day.

I'm hoping to find this one to be more beneficial as it will be about writing my emotions out, something I think I am in desperate need of doing. It will be purely for my own psychological benefit so whether anyone comments would simply be a bonus.

Well enough of my justifications for needing to write and onto business. Where to start, where to start. I guess there is no need to go into my life history in one sitting, this is a blog, not a novel haha. I shall start with what prompted me to join this page in the first place.

I have been "suffering" from depression since I was perhaps 13-14, currently I am on 150mg of Zoloft and the slightly more than occasional valium for that extra bit of help when I'm about to lose my head. My partner has been away for the first week out of three for work, which I am beginning to find more and more difficult to deal with. I am so lonely, I struggle to deal with our son on my own (my problems being a mother shall be saved for another occasion) and I can't express to him how difficult I find things because it is hard enough for him working away without him knowing how much time I spend hiding in the bathroom crying.
Yesterday I was exhausted, I dragged myself out of bed to take my son to childcare (he goes twice a week so he can be socialized and I can have a break) then I came back home and slept until almost 2pm. (Sleeping is easier to achieve during the day because according to a ridiculously expensive sleep therapist my body clock is out of wack). At some point after that I figured I best get off the couch and into the gym before my son needed to be picked up. I sweated my ass off for 2 hours and felt exhausted but awesome afterwards. I picked up my boy and even though he was in a foul mood I was able to deal with him happily. I got through the ever present terror that is trying to gethim to go to bed with a great amount of patience. Then finally went to sit down and relax and read a book.
Then to put it bluntly I lost my shit. I found my self sitting in the bathroom crying harder than I have for a long time. I cried for around half an hour until I was so exhasuted I took myself to bed and tried to sleep.

I hate these random emotional swings and the thoughts that accompany them. Today I'm back to feeling absolutely nothing like I usually do. Maybe one day I will find a happy medium between feeling nothing and feeling everything.


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