1. It’s been five years and as the saying goes time will heal the pain has not been totally true . I feel like a piece from my soul has been cut . I feel like you are going on with your life happily and treating her the way I wish you treated me . The way you treated me in the beginning . It is so hard to think of the thought of the home we got for our future and our future children … the walls underneath the paint we wrote us forever and ever . Our future children’s names … one being a boy . It feels disrespectful to me that you told me she was nothing … she was no one . Now she’s in our family condo  and you have a son … of all things to happen . And of course he is handsome absolutely your minime and not ugly like I would assume from her . And sadly hoped for . I was so angry . I had nightmares of kicking her stomach or killing her many times which I felt so much guilt as I would stop my dream knowing that this would never be the answer to any problem . Why her ? When I look at her even trying to be a good person she is so ugly to me big forehead ugly tattoos hitting her thick arms thin eyebrows a goofy smile knowing she scored someone better looking than her . She flat chested insecure .
2. Her family is Portuguese like me did you do that on purpose ? Why would you go for the same again ? Brunette insecure ..as ugly as she was we had similarities .  I know it’s vain looks should not matter but it makes me more disgusted than it she was more beautiful than me . Randomly I wonder if you hit her like you did to me …do you choke her too ? Do you punch her for not giving you alcohol on the way home from a party by chili’s ? Do you take her to ferrings ? Do you fish with her ? Do you hold hands in the lifeguard seat while you watch the waves crash smoking marijuana ? Do you take last minute adventures to Canada and Florida ? Do you bring her around your friends ? Do you speak kindly of her to others ? Do you kiss her goodnight or good morning ? Do you say I love you? Do you mean it ?… if she didn’t have your son would you have married her ? Did you feel pressured ?

why did you get her pregnant a week after our phone call when you asked what do I want from you. I wanted you but I was too afraid to say so ..:

instead I wish horrible things would happen . It’s not fair .

i wonder if you are still smoking weed and drinking beyond control to the point you pass out or hit into things . I wonder what I could’ve done to make you not drink so much . I wonder why this ugly girl from online has everything I’ve wanted a great career thanks to your mom as she promised me marriage and a handsome boy .

Here I am struggling to get out of bed somedays and find happy time .  I have ptsd from you : I’m filled with antidepressants and anxious thoughts regret pain and curiosity . I numb it with food or shopping or anything I can find to stop these feelings …

i wish I could get back the piece you took from me I wish I Had my teenage years back I wish I could go back knowing what I know now to see if things would’ve been different .

im never the same anymore . I’m not a happy person anymore … people see my smile and have no idea how much pain I stuff down . I wish I could go back in time many times but then I remember what had happen to make me leave.

if I had stayed you’d be in prison or I would be dead  is how I felt when I left .

i still wonder why you robbed that armory and put a gun by my bed … if not to scare

me why ? Were You having bipolar ? Schizophrenia ? Using drugs you didn’t tell me ? It hurts I’ll never know …

i know she keeps you from talking to me and I know unspoken words is what keeps my hole growing larger through the years … Time is suppose to close it but the regret and the confusion and guilt and anger and curiosity fills it like water in a paper bag ready to burst and leak the seams …slowly dripping through never to be full again .

My mind races . So many thoughts I begin to forget the reasons I was hit choked kicked … was it

my fault ? Am I blocking out something so I feel guilt instead of anger ? Or was it my fault … could I have fixed it if I spent less time crying to myself and more time fighting for you to get well .

ill never know …you scared

me

.

i

found ways to run away from it …

going out with my cousin drinking with friends occasionally or talking to other meaningless men …

trying to fill the void because I didn’t know how to fix it . I missed you everytime I left . I never once did not think about you .

you drove me crazy and no matter what guy talked to me or situations arises I was always thinking of you .

i wish you knew how much I wish I could’ve helped the way I know now . How much I wish you knew that … as much as I want you to be happy so I can be happy I know you’re not .

true love never fades

theres

noway you have forgiven me for leaving …but you also forget you told me to

some people see happiness in your wedding photos I see pain and you doing the right thing after a child out of wedlock . Am I wrong ? Projecting ? Assuming ?

it is the best for your son I know . Even if it doesn’t last forever you can at least tell him you tried and she can keep the same name …

I found you on the sex site we created . The one site I made just incase you were bored with me . I was so insecure that’s why I made fun of you . Your abuse made me feel worthless  and pathetic so I wanted you to feel the same to not leave me . Bad mistake . I never cheated on you … just so you know . I know you did to me and there was nothing I could do but try to come up with ideas :

4 years later your girlfriend is pregnant and I see you on the sex site same handle new photos . Wanting group sex …Why ? Are you deviant ? Is it because you’re trying to reach me ? Are you gay ?   Are you confused ? Are you acting out your high risk behavior due to drugs alcohol or bipolar ? I’ll never know … why you did it to me and her

I find another handle similar same profile hiding the face body like yours fucking a girl is that you ? I wonder ….

maybe the sex site was just for fun who knows maybe she is your fairytale who am I to say ?

But I can’t help but think a rebound you once said is nothing could be your everything

bu it doesn’t stop me thinking maybe you’ve changed for her maybe you loved her more than me maybe she is the one you love more than anyone maybe your son made you feel closer something I could’ve done but was too afraid …

i don’t know

what I do know is I can’t understand  why God would keep us apart all these years bless her with a beautiful baby boy and punish me with years

of

sickness and pain and worry … how could I be so sure five years ago that you were the evil one and I was the abused . Why has my mind blocked out so many memories ? Why must I live in such pain … what did I do wrong to get here ? How do I get out?

Since the silence ended 1.5 years ago I must say I hate that I’ve met you I don’t hate you but I hate that I learned to love and passionately loved someone so much that didn’t choose me over drugs me over abuse me over some baby out of wedlock with an ugly  woman

why did you do it ?

Why do you choose to listen to her about not talking to me ?

are you not in pain anymore ? Why don’t you find the urge ?

The only thing i can I can think of is you numb your pain with drugs still .::I can’t . I want to but I have chose sobriety over a year ago .

For some people reading this is a crazy rant …

for you my love . This means so much more ..

i hope oneday you can heal the hole you ripped by breaking silence .

i want to be happy too

To be continued