disappointed is the mood i’ve chosen for this blog as it seems to cover everything i’m feeling at the moment so well. i’m mainly desperately disappointed in myself. also disappointed with life. definately disappointed with my family. angry-lly disappointed with the nature of my ‘recovery’. all in all disappointed. i’ve been trying to put things in place for a future but who am i kidding?! i’ll just mess it all up again. because it’s what i do so well… f*@! things up. i just wonder sometimes if i’m too far gone to come back again. i’m just waiting for the new things and people i’ve gathered around me over the last few weeks to fall away from me again… i know it’s coming…and it terrifies me. i’m so confused by everything right now – i can’t make sense of things and my thoughts. i’ve got so many rules and opinions being thrown at me. i’m second guessing everything and everyone and don’t know what to believe anymore. . i’m told my judgement is good …why then do i trust the people over and over again who can hurt me so spectacularly?! i’m stupid and weak and ridiculous. i hate who i am more than i have ever hated anyone in my life. i don’t want to be me anymore. let someone else have a go. if i could pass over the torch to someone who deserved the life and health i have i would do it in a heartbeat. they could make so much more of it than i ever can. i’m not posting this for comments so please don’t leave any. maybe i will be able to read this again in a few days if i’m feeling better and think i’m even crazier than i think i am right now. love to everyone and don’t be like me… keep strong and u can show the world just how fab u are xxxxx