Ancientgeekcrone said that it "sounds like your father may have more mental health issues than you do." And she couldn't have been more correct.
My Dad is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink nearly as much as he used to but he can't usually stop after one drink even now. He'd come home stumbling around at 3:00am and have me scrambling to my room and locking the door. To this day I'm still afraid to be around when he comes home late just in case he's drunk. I'm 22 now and I'm just as anxious as I was when I was 12.
He is abusive. Every day is a game of control, of manipulation. I was hit sometimes and so was my Mom. He could never tell the difference between punishment and anger. He could never draw the line and he always hit too hard. My brother and I lived in fear of him and we were always closer to my Mom which bothered my Dad.
He pretty much owns my life. He's already making plans for where I should live when I graduate – here, under his watchful eye – and won't stop trying to tell me where to work for my co-op. I tried to include him because he always says that we don't ever spend time with him but then he just took off with my entire life. He's called 3 times to lecture me on where to work and how he should help me find a job already and I'm in tears after only having been home for 9 hours.
He's trying to tell me that "money is tight right now" and I know that's a lie. His story changes from day to day. One moment he's flat broke, the next he's rolling in money. It just depends upon whether he wants to brag or manipulate. And tonight, he's feeling especially manipulative, even trying to suggest that I get a job during school – quickly taking this back – and then getting to what he really wanted – "well, you'll have to listen to me when I tell you where to work".
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you'll just have to listen to me."
"You mean when I look for a job over the summer?"
"You mean my co-op?"
So he's using this lie of being broke to justify choosing my co-op for me when I know that one thing doesn't have anything to do with the other to begin with. My school has about 16,000 to 18,000 students and most of them, if not all of them, are required to complete a co-op. Some go home, some stay in the area, and some travel to somewhere new. I'd say 99% of them find the job themselves but I'm not allowed. I'm supposed to come home and have him dictate how I should work, where I should work, and what I should do with my – or rather "his" – money.
I feel trapped. I feel like I'll never get away. He'll ruin all of my opportunities trying to live my life for me. I'll leave school with a shitty resume because of him. I'll leave school regretting my experiences because of him. Because of him, I feel like I'd rather be dead. I truly wish I had never been born and I truly hate him as a person. He has no idea how to be a Dad. He's the cause of almost all of my problems. I have so many bad memories that it's hard to really carry them with me sometimes and I'm ashamed to have his surname. One day I may even change it just to try to get away from all the shit that comes with it. His entire family is a disgrace, I can't even bear the thought of being related to such heathens.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through Thanksgiving break. I want to go back to school but now I'm afraid because I need school books and he's the type of "Dad" who will abandon you entirely if he doesn't get his way. I feel like he's already removed all of my strength, my desire to carry on.