i dont no wer 2 bgin realy. i just dont want to b here anymore, iv found myself at a point in life wer iv got to make my decisions & found i cant. a suden realization that iv got nothing, am nothing & wot i hav got im gonna lose. ur success is measured by wot uv completed & the return from those things, i have completed nothing! everything that i hav attemped, i have been pushed into by other people who thing that wud b gud for me & now i dnt no who am anymore. my motivation, drive & even my ambition is lost i dnt wot to do or how i can change things. iv always been bullied my hole life & wanted to show the people i hated that i was better than them & i cud get far without being like them & i look at my life now & think i cant cuz iv got nothing to show so far. my personality is like a yoyo 1 min im manic depressed the next nothing cud bring me dwn. im just so fed up of failing & disapointing people including myself. i hurt so much & feel ashamed of myself & how i feel. i want a stable source of income & a family & i end up with dets, no job no qualifications, a family that the worse critics ever & who dont support me frends who dont want to be near cuz im so depressed & my partner that is so far away from me ryt now.  =”'( i dnt no wer to start, iv just failed my college course, & cant find a job thats looking for people with GCSE’s, iv spent the last of my muny trying to keep my flat warm but its still so cold. i just feel so disapointed in myself & this world. i been having silly thorts that i no wont help matters much but i just hurt so much.  hate myself for not being gud enuf, i hate that im a failure, i hate that i feel helpless, i hate th fact that i cant stop crying, i hate that iv disapointed so many people, i hate that everything i wanted to be & to make of myself is out of sight, i hate this life, & i hate that people wud just think of me as more of a failure if i just cop’d out of this life, i hate wot people think of me, i hate that i cant support myself, i hate that im not clever, i just hate myself.the pain just never stops, i dnt even feel like me anymore, i think the real kate has alredy died off. i just feel so empty & meaningless. i misscaried in december last year & i just cant beleive how much of a bad tym iv been having the last few years & i think im now just broken. iv never wrote into one of these things b4 so im sori if i sound pittyful but i just need to vent cuz i dnt no how to cope at the moment, i arent expecting any replys. =””(

2 Comments
  1. millie 13 years ago

    hi there! im millie. iv just read ur blog + i realy feel 4 u. u dont sound pityful at all so please dnt appologise cos there is no need. u have deffinatly been thru a lot. i have never been thru a misscarriage myself but i used to know some girls that have + seen how heartbreaking it is. please try + talk to some1 about it like a counsellor. it will be difficult at 1st but it will help in the long run, hones.

                   a lot of us go thru how u r feeling now but this is a wonderful site with loads of amazing people that know exactly how u feel + r here to help. i havnt been on this site long myself but have found comfort in the messages these kind people have left me.

                  please dnt give up hope, things will get better. u r not on ur own.  if u ever need or just want to chat im here 4 u ok.

               take care, millie xxxxxxx

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  2. Darkness_Falls_Again 13 years ago

    A big thank u to meme, chell1994 & millie for ur kindnes & words of hope. I feel abit silly when i read what iv written but i supose it all just comes rushing to th surface wen u bottle it up for so long, ey. reading ur comments has made me feel so much better to know that for once im actualy not being judged for the way i feel,  the people here on this site seem to understand tht ur emotions r not so easyily controled or numed out & that we all need sum1 wetha it is a frend, family member or just a complete stranger to acknoledge us & how we feel.

    the most comforting thing is that i can speak to people that may have already experienced wot im goin through & that maybe i can comfort & support those who are experiencin things i hav bin through, sumtimes just a lending ear can be the key element to changing or redirecting someones psyche & help them along the way.

    Life can be difficult & its only by supporting each other can we truely understand & appreciate the bad times & the good.

    I”v kinda gained sum support mentaly & as far as seeing a doctor goes i think im goin to change mine as he does not seem to be helpful in any way, he just keeps tryin to give me more anti depressants, which dont help as every time iv been on them i end up having anxiety attacks or becoming more unstable on them. I think for now i may have found a stepping stone to the road of recovery, lets just hope i dont continue to relaps & start moving in the rong direction lol thank you once again guys, i”l check back soon to say hi & c how every1 is doin.

    Love Kate x

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