I havn't been on here for a while, sorry it's long but it's driving me crazy,I've been really happy for the last few months but now my world has come crashing down around me and I don't know what to do.

Last year I was diagnosed with OCD, Social Anxiety, Depression and ADD. I was feeling really down and unhappy and didn't care about my looks becauseI was bullied ifI ever changed myhair or anything.(I was bullied all through college)It was my first year out of college andI got myself a job at a homewear store. Mum said i had to wear make up and i started wearing my hair down. I met this boy called Ben who is 2 years older than me. He was really nice and talked to me and i felt like i was part of the team at Briscoes. I didn't talk much but they all talked to me anyway, especially Ben so i decided to really try with him. It was really hard though, I always had to plan what it was that i was going to say and what I would say back to him and i was always really nervous because of my social anxiety. After 4 months we started going out (we got drunk together at his 21st and things went from there) It went well at the beginning, i trusted him to tell him about my mental illnesses and how i go to physc. He was really supportive and took it well. I ended up falling inlove with him and he said he loved me too. After a few months things went a bit pear shapped. I was getting a bit hurt at some things he did, an example is that he would get himself a snack when we were at his and he wouldn't ask if I wanted some to so I'd go hungry.It seemed that sometimes he was in his own world and couldn't see past that. (After we brokeup my friends who have worked with him longerthan me said they'd noticed thid a long time ago)I didn't feel brave enough talking to him to his face so i wrote it in a letter. He read it and agreed andtried tofix it, but then he'd do something else and I'd tell him it hurt my feelings. He said that he could never tell what i was thinking because i never told him in words. I told him I'd work on it and i really tried to improve my talking. I thought things were going well but 2 weeks ago we went to town and i got really drunk (I have a bit of a problem where I don't know when to stop). The next morning he said we needed to talk and he broke up with me. His reasons being that he had been unhappy for a couple of weeks, he never told me this and it kills me, he said he felt like he had to tiptoe around because he didn't know if his actions would upset me, because i never told him what i was thinking, my drinking also upset him. He said he'd always love me and we'd still be good friends.

I feel as though my life has ended, I love him more than anything in this world. It's been two weeks and all i can do is think about him and i cry nearly every day. (We stillwork together on Tuesdays) After we broke up I wrote him a 3 page letter saying i still love him but all i want is for him to be happy. We left on a good note. He was my first boyfriend, we went out for 5 months, he was the first person to ever say i was cute or to ever love me. I'm just hurting more than anything. I want him back but i think it's over for good. At work when i see him i just want to pull him into a hug and tell him how much i love him. When i see him smile i love it because he's happy now, but it hurts that he no longer smiles because he loves me and that he is moving on from me. We still talk but i want to see him everyday not once a week. It's the worst feeling in the world and it all comes down to one thing really -my talking.

I'm feeling more depressed then ever, I no longer feel attractive and I still can't talk to people!! Something so simple and I can't do it! I only have confidence after a few drinks. I'm worried i won't find anyone else because me and Ben got together while drinking, it gave me confidence to tell him i like him. I just don't know what to do, feeling so down, i can't smile.