Waiting for my shower to be free. Should be asleep by now… eh. I went to see my therapist yesterday and we talked about my OCD in length. She brought up something I never noticed. I always say "I need to. I have to." As though nothing in my life is by my choosing. When I told her some of my routines and things I do, I always said, "I have to. It's necessary." See, I'm a doubter and sinner, and hoarder. I HAVE to do these routines, and follow these rules or else something bad will happen to either me or my family. It's just how it works. And I'm convinced this has been true my whole life. Because time and time again it seems to prove itself. I hoard because these things become part of me and it's my job to take care of them. I can't throw them out or something bad will happen. Everything has an expiration date. And once you go past that, it's yours forever. But, she suggested I try saying "I choose this because…" Not with everything, but slowly. When I catch myself in a familliar OCD behavior, say, "I am choosing to do this so something bad won't happen." Just today alone, I have done it several times. It does something. I guess it's making me re-think why I do what I do. Like in the back of my mind I KNOW nothing bad will happen if I throw out my old toothbrush, but then I feel anxious. But slowly, I feel it shifting. I suggest you guys try it. Never know how it may work with you
I also got a new boss today. Wish I could say I am happy. My old boss was the nicest woman ever and a really good boss. I miss her like crazy. The new boss came in and changed EVERYTHING. Moved all of our stuff. Locked up our office supplies. Belittled my co-worker and I, even though we have been there much longer than her and probably know more. She was suprised when I knew as much as I did. DUH. She changed many of our rules that worked well with our facility. But obviously, I don't do well with change., And I hope this problem I have with immidiate change doesn't effect my job that I love so much. I don't want to butt heads with her, but I think it's inevitable. This was all so sudden… and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I am set in my ways, but I have to change. This isn't a choice and it's one I wish was. Good night everyone.