I am tired.

I am tired of always being afraid.

I am tired of feeling like I constantly have to be on the lookout, like if I let my guard down for one second something is going to happen to me or someone I love.

I am tired of being physically and mentally exhausted by OCD, of having to put all of my energy into keeping my OCD under control.

I am tired of fearing that my OCD will keep me from achieving my dreams. Every time that I have to be independent, my obsessions get worse

I am tired of feeling like I always have to be in control, even if it's something I don't even really want to control, because if I'm not controlling it, something is going to go wrong.

I am tired of thinking that maybe this time, finally I have conquered my obsessions, that now I have finally beat OCD, it comes back with a vengeance.

I am tired of having flare ups and feeling like I am just going along and existing, not really living and enjoying my wonderful life.

I am tired of feeling like a lunatic. I know that I am not supposed to worry this much- that the likelihood of something bad happening to me and my family is very slight. I know that I am not supposed to have to repeatedly check locks and lie in bed for hours on end listening for the slightest sound of someone who doesn't belong. But my knowing that doesn't matter- it still happens.

I am tired of being up at 3:30 in the morning because of a panic attack.

I am tired of telling people I have OCD and they just think I am paranoid.

I am tired of thinking to myself that this will never get better, that the rest of my life will be like this.

I am tired of only having one option- to keep on going.

4 Comments
  1. roberto28100 12 years ago

    I am so with you on this! I am tired of it all too. When I tell people I have OCD they either tell me how wonderful it must be because they assume it means I clean everything all the time, or tell me they don't believe in OCD. Really??? I am so happy for you random folks that don't understand because you or someone you love doesn't suffer from it, but it is real, and my house is dirty! lol. I get really tired of the sterotype of everything has to be clean. When I first told my husband before we got married he thought I was making it up because I am not super clean all the time. Now I do like it to be neat, but I am not obsessive about that. He didn't believe me until the doctor talked to him about it. Once we were married and he moved in he saw it all, but I have been good about hiding it from the outside world for a long time now. I have the same issue of being scared of a break in and stuff like that along with many other issues. lol. We recently moved out of our home and into a 2nd floor apartment because it feels safer to me. Talk about disrupting! lol. I hope you keep working on it. That is all we can do. It is a great feeling when you get through a day without compulsions. Just work for that! : )

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  2. swink 12 years ago

    Im so freaking tired of thinking something terrible is gonna happen to my family when im with them… literally, right when I leave the house i have hoards of thoughts and a million different f-cked up scenarios.. and then i just get pissed at myself for thinking up such a terrible situation involving my mom or someone

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  3. ROBERT187 12 years ago

     

    HI JUST CURIOUS DO U  GO TO THERAPY? TAKE MEDS? I SYMPTHZIE WITH WHAT U ARE GOING THRU..SOUNDS LIKE U HAD SOME TRAUMA? I HAVE GROUPS WITH ALOT OF WOMEN AND MABEY THAT THE VIBE I GET..AND U ARENT CRAZY ..THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEWN US AND THE REST OF THE WORLD IS THAT WE ADMIT IT

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  4. supergirl7561 12 years ago

     I do go to therapy and take 100 mg of Zoloft. I actually have never had any sort of trauma- I had a wonderful childhood, but my OCD developed when I was 10 and I was diagnosed at 15. My therapist feels like moving cross-country set my OCD going. I think my case is just one of a combination of biology and environment, like a lot of people with OCD.

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