Its so hard. When you get hospitalized when you loose your mind everything is taken care of for you. There are no demands and your safe untill your thoughts calm back into reality. You get time to unwind and untwist your thoughts so you connect with reality again. But when you stay home and fight the beast yourself your cought in a strugle to balance the day.
The dark depression of bipolar slambed into me last week. Completely out of the blue. It was so fierce and consuming. It had control before I even knew it. I slit my wrists to try and escape. Escape the raging impulses and racing thoughts that I couldnt control. I wasnt trying to kill myself. I self harm for release. It did the trick but the damage was done. I couldnt hide those cuts well enough and my husband found out. He was hurt and angry. I cant blame him. All I can do is try to make it up to him. I feel so horribly guilty. So horribly guilty. But I am not ok and I cant tell him that for fear of pushing him away. I am barely hanging in there. I fear the spinning thoughts because I cant tell what is real and not. Im filled with such fierce panic just waking to the day. My emotions in termoil from all the restless energy rushing my veins. I feel lostand out of control. Ugly impulses intrude on my racing thoughts. Im trying. Trying to get back into the swing of things. Trying to put on a show for my loved ones that I am not really clinging to the rim of reality. Show my sincere appologies with rutine. Ignore the guilt that closes around my heart for fear of being swallowed. Releave the tension I have caused with attention I barely have. I dont know how to act or what to do to erase what I am for fear that they will get sick of me and leave. So in the midst of loosing my grasp on reality I have to refrain from clinging to my husband cause I dont want to push him away. I feel so lost and scared. So alone. Which is crazy when I am surrounded with love. Im scared. Really scared. and that sucks.
Ik how u feel when ur bi polar and racing thoughts get to u there is no stopping u and what u do. I have done that before. I have cut myself and was sent to the mental hospital and my ex was very disappointed in me. He couldn't believe i was selfish enough not to think of him and my kids. What were the out comes. But u know what when ur like that u never think noone ever does, all u care about is taking the pain away or the emptiness away. Ik there are alot of people who care about me but, yet i still get depressed and i still cry myself every night thinking i am alone. It's sux being depressed and it sux having to go through this everyday. What's worst is no one understands what u go through. But u know what i am glad this site exist because now we can all help each other. So with that being said. I want u to know i will always be here if u ever need to talk i will never turn u away. Ik u can make it through the days, if i can do it u can do it, i have faith in u. Tc for now.
Sweetheart I was in the same position as you are and I self harmed too but what I finally got the courage to do was let all my fears and feelings out so he would understand what I was going thru and he didn't get mad he was so concerned but didn't know what to do but was grateful I was honest and open with him. Maybe you could try to open up and tell him all that's going on so he will understand sometimes that's all it takes….