Yesterday was a definite disaster for me. At the worst point in the day I was ready to pack my bags and leave for at least 1 night; not telling anyone where I was going or when I'd be back. My mood was just totally out of hand. Sometimes I go through serious anger over small things and just explode like dynamite. I'm afraid of this side of myself.

I locked myself in the bedroom and wouldn't answer when someone knocked on the door. If I don't get away to cool off and think before I speak to someone I could ruin everything in my relationship with that person. Aaron had really angered me (and believe me, it was over something trivial) and I started seeing red so I left the room and locked myself in my bedroom. I was actually so mad that I was trembling, and it scared me.

2 thoughts ran through my brain ~ leave Aaron, or kill myself. Then they merged into one thought, thus the desire to leave the house. I honestly was scared of myself because I didn't think those thoughts would be so potent, so attractive. It took me hours to calm down.

In the meantime Aaron was picking the locks on our door to try to get in. I just moved to the outside porch downstairs so I wouldn't have to listen to his voice asking me to let him in or his insistent knocking. He finally realized he needed to come outside to get to me. But it wasn't a smart move on his part. If I'm mad enough to lock 2 doors to keep you out, leave me alone ~ you're not going to like what I have to say.

We ended up fighting on the porch, and I'm sure our neighbors could hear it. But when I get like that I don't really care what anyone else thinks. I just see red and that's all there is to it.

Poor Aaron got yelled at about what made me angry and then I really dug in and started throwing everything wrong he had done recently at him. It was in the middle of this that I realized just how wrong I was to do this to him,so I shut up. It took awhile but finally the anger melted off of me. He agreed to give me some time to myself, but would like it if I would come play hide and seek with Zachary and him. I eventually got over myself and came out to watch the 2 of them play.

I realize now that my angry outburst was caused by so many other things ~ not just my husband. I've been overly stressed about the situation with my Uncle, I've been seriously anxious for a couple of days now, my Mom has been cold towards me over ridiculous stuff, my Aunt expects me to be her maid (Ha! NOT going to happen.), and trying to decide if I should go with a lawyer or not over the SSD appeal.I'm feeling very cornered and overwhlemed, and just like when you corner a hurt animal ~ that's when they become their most vicious.

I apologized to Aaron a little later because I knew I had done the wrong thing and that he didn't deserve that kind of treatment. We did address some of the things I was angry about, but that's an ongoing thing.

I should have had a great day yesterday. Aaron and Zachary went with Aaron's Dad to help a friend out, andI had the freedom to go shopping where I chose to without having to hear complaints about it. I went to Ross, Tj Maxx, PetSmart, and a couple of other places. I bought 2 gorgeous warm weather dresses (it's coming soon), a set of nice sheets for my son for15 bucks, food for the animals, a small journal for me and then went and got lunch for everyone. I found though that instead of enjoying the freedom, I felt very lonely, and I go through that almost every week day as it is. I think that was where my anger began ~ it was Saturday and I was by myself all day again.

This morning I feel wiped out, like I've been crying. I actually slept the whole night without waking and woke up at 7 a.m. on my own. I am determined that today will be a good day. I don't need drama in my life, and this time I created my own. So today I'm going to try to stay positive.

Sorry this blog was so long, but I needed to get it off my chest.

I hope you all are having a safe weekend ~ especially those of you up north. I'm worried about it.

((((HUGS)))) to all.