Have to get moving…

so depressed…

I feel like my close friends are drifting away from me.  I know things will probably be fine with Maria, once we talk, but I don’t know what the deal is with Anna.  I think Maria feels hurt because I snapped a little when I was stressed and a little annoyed (and I had a decent reason to be annoyed, in all fairness).  That can be worked out, an likely will be – we are so close, and I can’t imagine our friendship unraveling over something so trivial.  Anna…  is another story.  I don’t know exactly what the deal is, except that she is trying to give me advice on subjects that I don’t think she fully understands.  I feel like she is judging my actions, and inactions, when in truth, if she were to examine the situation, she would realize that she has no idea what she would do in my position.  She thinks that I should take action to see if there is something left between me and Charlie – she thinks that he is waiting for such a gesture on my part.  Everything I know about him (Charlie hates confrontation, and avoids it all costs), and about the situation (wherein Charlie seems content to sort of "let it ride," and let time tell the tale, or some such), tells me that this supposition isn’t true, and I cannot imagine that Charlie would have confided in her, so, I am left to assume that the notion is unsound. 

I really try to always be cool with my friends.  I go out of my f@cking way for them as much as I can.

"I’m a pixie
I’m a paper doll
I’m a cartoon
I’m a chipper cheerful free for all
and I light up a room
I’m the color me happy girl
Miss live and let live
And when they’re out for blood
I always give"

I don’t know what will happen.  I am not sure my husband wants to be with me – how could I even be sure what should happen? 

There is some sort of peace in our present situation, however unreconciled, and we do manage to maintain a closeness – it’s usually more like two best friends than a man and wife, but other people tell me that they still see a dynamic between us, so…  maybe, it’s still there. 

Should it be?  Who knows…  for now, we still seem to need each other.  We’ve depended on each other a long time.  We love each other, and even if it isn’t what it once was, we take care of each other. 

I help him find all the things he misplaces (almost daily), and help him get ready for work.  I make food, or have take-out waiting when he gets home.  I walk him to the el/bus, and sometimes, I even wander out there to meet him on his way home at night.  We still enjoy each other’s company.  He looks out for me – he comes to my doctor appointments when he can, and he still sits beside me, all night, in the hospital, when I am terribly sick.  But, I don’t know  where he’s at, and I know whatever peace we have would be lost if I pushed him.  At least, I think so…

Clearly, there is still something there, but I don’t know how he really feels (in love?  Not in love?), because he avoids pointed conversations about the state of things, and I have learned to indulge him in that, ever since I broke his heart, so terribly.  I don’t know what’s right, or best, anymore – I probably never did.  I know he’s aware that I wasn’t myself when I hurt him so badly, but…  I don’t know if that makes enough of a difference to him.  It’s not like he’s reading up on bipolar disorder, trying to understand what happened, or contemplating how the heroin was ramping up my symptoms – something he saw clearly, at the time, when I still didn’t see it, at all.  (Maybe, at some point, blame ceases to matter – the damage is just what it is, and if there is too much of it, then, it’s origin becomes irrelevent, and the only solution, abandonment.  I don’t know if such a place exists, or if I am there – just a thought.) 

Maybe, he didn’t want the confrontation of telling me, and convincing me, of how sick I really was.  But, I also think he was insulating his own continued habit – if he acknowledged how bad off I was, psychologically, there would be NO WAY to rationalize getting high with me, like that, anymore.  I don’t think this was an active motivation, but I think it was there. 

Whatever….

He sings loudly in public places while listening to my MP3 player.  It’s funny at times, cute at times, and MADDENING at times.  Haha…  (just a thought…)

The point is…  it’s too soon to say, and I don’t know much of anything, just yet.  I feel like I just woke up from a really lengthy coma.  There’s a lot to sort out. 

Too much to look at, all at once…

So, it gets broken into tiny breaths, and little steps, and eventually…

we get somewhere.

Where ever we’re supposed to be, I guess.

I don’t want to move, right now.  So much to do…  and, all I want to do is veg out,watch Star Trek, eat vegan ice cream, and get my friend Mags over here.  I presently have access to two out of the three, and I guess that ain’t bad, so, I am going to deviate from today’s plans for a bit of comfort food/sci-fi escapism.

I guess, I have been trying not to get frustrated with myself or others lately.  I know, my progress is still very new.  I can’t push myself too hard.  I just get impatient.  Need to take my meds…

"The little emperor, he has no clothes
So, he can’t come out to play
And besides which, life is suffering,
And he likes it that way.
And, the little guy is not so friendly,
But you know life has been cruel,
So, wipe that smile off your face, baby,
And try to be cool.
Maybe you don’t like your job,
Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep.
Well, nobody likes their job,
And nobody got enough sleep.
Maybe you just had
The worst day of your life –
But, you know, there’s no escape
And, there’s no excuse
So, just suck up, and be nice."  (Ani Difranco "Pixie")

This entry most likely makes no sense, and ought to be deleted, but I will probably just post it along with a disclaimer.  All apologies to anyone who has read this entire rant.  I guess, I owe you a coke.

(Virtual soda?)