Something triggered memories of the past this morning and I felt a little emotional. A few tears rolled down my cheeks and felt shame that I couldn’t inspire a person “back then” not to be arrogant, belittling, contemptuous, demeaning, egotistical, etc, to be a loving and not cruel person.
Sometimes though, I remember the good times, in the beginning, that suddenly went cold, dark and cruel in a flicker of a instant and stayed that way until I gave up on him. I couldn’t trust him.
Then, the person was nice and charming again. He didn’t want me to move on and wanted to marry me suddenly. No apology for how he had treated me. I was treated horribly and yet he acted as if nothing had ever happened. It had! It was so confusing. I just couldn’t trust him with my heart. It is still confusing.
I know memories of how he treated me and confused me will always come and go. They are triggered by everyday people in stores, movies, words written in books, men who look like him in crowds and by words spoken by others that remind me of “back then.” I shudder, just thinking about it.
I forgive myself for putting up with what I did tolerate and for having the hope that love could solve everything. Love isn’t enough. It just isn’t and it will never be.
It isn’t okay to be mean to others. We all deserve better!
Thanks for reading! You helped!