I OFTEN WONDER WHEN THE BREAKING POINT HIT'S A PERSON. THE TIME WHEN THE DECISON IS MADE TO JUST WALK AWAY FROM IT ALL. WALK AWAY FROM THE HOME AND ALL THAT'S BEEN PUT IN IT. HOW DO THEY DO IT? THE YARD. ALL THE FLOWERS I PLANTED. THE SMALL POND I DUG BY HAND. ALL THE SWEAT AND MUSCLE I PUT FORTH IN BUILDING THE KIND OF HOME I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED. I FEEL THAT FINE LINE IN FRONT OF ME AND JUST ONE MORE STEP WILL BRING ME ACROSS.

I PAUSE AND REFLECT ON THE PAST. THE CHOICES I HAVE MADE AND THE CHOICES I MUST NOW MAKE.

NOW AS I WALK THROUGH THE WINTER SCENES OF WHAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL BLOOMING GARDEN, ALL I SEE ARE THE SLEEPING BROWN GRASSES. THE DEAD FIGURES OF LAST YEARS CANNA LILLIES THAT I HAVE YET TO CLEAN AWAY. THE ONLY LASTING SIGN OF LIFE, THE EVERGREENS. THE POND IS ALMOST EMPTY. THE PUMP AND FOUNTAIN LAY ON IT'S SIDE. THE EVER REMINDING SIGN THAT LIFE RECENTLY BELONGED IN THERE. THE GOLDFISH REMAIN IN THE HOUSE THIS WINTER. GENTLY SCOOPED UP IN THE FALL AND BROUGHT INSIDE FROM THE FREEZING WINTER, WAITING THEIR RETURN NEXT SPRING.

LIKE THE SCENES OF THE GARDEN, MY SOUL FEELS SLEEP. ONLY A SMALL FLICKER OF LIGHT REMAINS. THE SAME AS A LONG BURNING CANDLE WHOSE WICK FIGHTS TO HOLD THE FLAME, SLOWLY BEING SMOTHERED BY THE MELTING WAX SURROUNDING IT. HOLDING ON TO THE LAST REPRIEVE HOPING THAT A SOFT WIND DOES NOT BLOW ITS LAST REMAINING BIT OF LIFE.

WHAT CHANGES OF OF SPRING WILL COME UPON ME.

WILL LIFE FIND ME TO RETURN INTO THE GARDEN TO GENTLY BRING THE LIFE BACK INTO IT. NURTURING THE BLOOMS INTO THEIR RADIANT COLORS, WATCHING THE FOUNTAIN AS IT BUBBLES ITS FIRST BREATH AND BRINGS FORTH THE CALMING FLOW OF WATER AS I SET THE FISH BACK INTO THEIR HOME.

OR WILL IT FIND ME IN ANOTHER PLACE TRYING TO START OVER AGIAN. AND IF SO, WHERE WILL I BE. DO I EVEN HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE.

AS I RETURN TO THE HOUSE, I SIT AND PONDER THESE THINGS AND I CRY. I'VE COME SO FAR BUT I FEEL SO LOST. LOST IN A WORLD THAT SEEMS TO TRAMPLE OVER OUR SOULS THE SAME WAY THE WEATHER HAS TRAMPLED OVER MY GARDEN. THE ONLY HOPE I HAVE LEFT, THAT GOD WILL TEND TO MY SOUL AS I DO MY GARDEN AND IN THE SPRINGTIME BRING ME BACK WITH THE FULLNESS AND BRIGHTNESS THAT CAN ONCE AGAIN SHINE AND BRING SOME KIND OF BEAUTY INTO A TINY CORNER OF THE WORLD.

JJG  1/13/2002    MY LOWEST TIME

2 Comments
  1. wonderwoman753 14 years ago

    hey darling, you are a very beautiful writer.  writing can be very therapeutic when you are feeling down, im glad to see you found that outlet on such a low time. the fact that you got over that episode and can now look back and accept it, shows incredible strength, and should be inspiring to you.

    i hope you have a great day.  

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  2. saphyrre 14 years ago

    i too wonder what changes spring will bring…the lush garden is what you need and deserve in this lifetime. i do hope you see it come to life as the coming months move toward us.

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