I’ve always known that I saw the outside of the box. I guess my attention to small details has always been there. When I was at home I paid so much attention to the body language of my mom, told me alot of how the day would go. She was always full of surprises and curve balls. When I reached an age to be almost completely independent I did it. I didn’t let my mother drive me to school, make me breakfast or attend any social gatherings at school. I know its normal for mothers to embarrass their kids, although the way I was embarrassed by my mother because of the many men she dated, the way she didn’t have any goals or ambitions. It seemed to my the only goal she had was to find love, find someone to spend her life with.
I guess the reason I hated that so much was because she didn’t exactly consider her children those people she will forever have in her life. Almost seemed like she didn’t care. We were there and she just needed to make sure that we were at least breathing by the end of the day. I feel that in her eyes we didn’t need emotional support, we didn’t need to be encouraged, we didn’t need to be nurtured.
I am at that age that I could start my own family, I could have children, I could be married and all those things woman are normally expected to do. But that is what I am trying to avoid the most today. I somehow see now the reason I was so unhappy with myself before because I thought that was what I wanted and it turns out that is probably the biggest thing I resent. I hated anyone who thought that I would be the perfect role to be a mother, or a wife.
After I said goodbye to the possibility that could be someone’s wife I remembered all my dreams, ambitions, goals and standards. I remember all the times in my life of all the other woman in my life who wanted bigger things, those were the people who I admired the most. I wanted so much to be a stand up person, I want to be a achieved woman or in other words independent. In some ways the opposite of my mother.
Some day I wish, and wonder what I would have been like if my mother wasn’t so weak minded, and determined to surround herself with another person, when she has 8 children who are standing right behind her. I wish she had a mindset on growth financially, knowledge wise, respect wise, and normal things that are important for an individual.
I might not be who I am today if my mother was mentally strong or healthy. But that doesn’t make me feel better at all.. that one thought brings me no comfort that all the suffering and neglect is what made me who I am.
I know I am kind to others. I know I am smart and cunning. I know I am strong and am able to understand my feelings. I know what respecting myself looks like, and feels like. I know what I want and don’t want. Its easier for me to focus on this because its the part that helps push me forward.
Moral of this is I know what myself love was and how to do it. I hated that I let others hurt me. I allowed it. I let them. Now I love myself again and I wont put someone above myself again.