Tomorrow I see a buddy for a short meet outsides. Havent seen us for about nearly a month now. We know each other from the gym and done some stuff with each other after regular training sessions. I regulary are locked up to other people and dont give any personal information and never negative information about my life or my feelings. I feared of being vulnerable or getting devaluated by everyone and even more by people, which I like. But he seems to be a person, which is trustable and he is the first and only person of this kind I met since I have forgotten since when except my girl. He seemed to sympathize to me very much too and also asked sometimes about my mood in a way, which is not the small-talk-mode. There was already a moment, where I have a big problem (shit on the floor and my shoes) while we were together and he helped me with cleaning it (stays, till I finished the cleaning instead of going home after training session. By the way: I wasnt at the gym since this day, because of contamination of the floor, although it was „cleanes“. But I have seen, how the floor was cleaned. No need to say, that this doesnt fit my feeling of necessity, how it have to be to get cleaned correctly…). He probably think already some stuff in the direction to ocd about me, but I dont give it a name or whatever in this moment, also I nearly done it. In the last time I often feel the pain of being lonely with my problems and being exhausted from hiding for everybody. He could be a person, who understands and like me also, after getting the information about my current major problem. I want to mention at this point: I dont think about revealing only for the intention of sharing my problems with another person, but also for the fact, that I can quit lying to him in future. I hate lying and its so exhausting and I hate lying also more, when I lie to people, which I like. He already asked sometimes, when I came back to training. I have everytime to beat around the bush and I dont want, that he thinks something wrong of me. By the way I miss our private training sessions much and even very much more, than the regular training at the gym, which made so much fun and got many positive effects to me.

Now Im sitting here and think about to tell him about my ocd and the real causes about my absence. It would be very relieving, if he reacts emphatic and likes me as he did before. But it would be horrible, if he judge me for that or try to get to distance to me, because of feeling responsibility or such things. I dont think, that he is such a person, but I feared open op so much, because I dont got any friendship since very much years. Only my girl get some views insight me. Otherwise I try to be a blackbox.

4 Comments
  1. Ablee 6 years ago

    You need to be able to open up but understand you cannot predict the outcome.  I know that not everyone understands about this, but what is great there are many that do, or know someone who has ocd or even have it themselves.  Yesterday when I went to drop off some paperwork at the tax place the secretary told me she has ocd and i told her so do i.  We have already chatted before about other things.  I guess it was hard on me in the past because my family (aunts and uncles who I lived with on and off) didnt care or want to understand (just one aunt and uncle do though).  My aunt who is closer to my age was actually mean to me about it so you see it depends however, i have friends that care so much about me and people i see lets say when i go shopping at grocery store who work there and i just told them.  They are so nice to me about it.  I have been shopping there a while and got to know them.  When my ocd was so bad i felt i had to tell them because i had troubles/anxiety at check out.  One of the ladies knows all about it because her best friend's son has it and she asks me for advice.   But heres the thing when i go sometimes i wonder what do they really think am i a pain etc..  Do I sometimes worry absolutely.  Are there probably people there who think its weird that i don't want something put in the top basket absolutely.  So what, because i am not ready for that yet ,but it is on my hierarchy for exposures.   As long as i am working on things i can't fault myself nor can I fault myself for having ocd.  In fact there is this guy who is proud of his ocd hes not ashamed he wears t shirts that say something about having ocd not sure what, he lives in a different state but runs a group there.  You can choose how much you want to say if you want to feel it out.    

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  2. Ablee 6 years ago

    I agree with Dulcinea.

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  3. Paul_Atreides 6 years ago

    Thanks for your thoughts. I told him yesterday. Im also glad about doing it. It wasnt a very big deal and he react very calm and the way, like I estimate him as a person. Also he give me his word do not tell anybody we knows both about it and I trust him. I dont get very detailed and dont think, that this would be neccessary nor useful to me or him. We talked very much about other things too and his behaviour to me dosnt change in any kind. It was like always and Im very happy about it. Also he dont avoid anything, after I told about my contamination ocd and my absence, which is very cool. We also hugged when leaving. I dont want to be treat different than others, because I think, this could increase my ocd, also the normal behaviours are often very difficult to me. I want to live normal and without chains, and not, that me or anybody lives the way, that my ocd can prosper.

     

    „Learning, that I cannot predict the outcome“, Abbey. I think, thats a general problem of me and also something, which makes it hard to me, to stop avoiding. Ambiguity punishes me very hard. Its hard for me to make any decisions because of that. Also I tend to avoid more or cleaning myself and things more, because I dont want to take the risk, that theres maybe something bad left. I have to learn to live with ambiguity. Probably I will see, that often nothing bad will happen. But anywas I think I have to learn also, that bad things are also a part of life and accept, that I dont have the power, to prevent everything bad.

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  4. Paul_Atreides 6 years ago

    Thank you for your kind words, Dulcinea!

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