Tomorrow I see a buddy for a short meet outsides. Havent seen us for about nearly a month now. We know each other from the gym and done some stuff with each other after regular training sessions. I regulary are locked up to other people and dont give any personal information and never negative information about my life or my feelings. I feared of being vulnerable or getting devaluated by everyone and even more by people, which I like. But he seems to be a person, which is trustable and he is the first and only person of this kind I met since I have forgotten since when except my girl. He seemed to sympathize to me very much too and also asked sometimes about my mood in a way, which is not the small-talk-mode. There was already a moment, where I have a big problem (shit on the floor and my shoes) while we were together and he helped me with cleaning it (stays, till I finished the cleaning instead of going home after training session. By the way: I wasnt at the gym since this day, because of contamination of the floor, although it was „cleanes“. But I have seen, how the floor was cleaned. No need to say, that this doesnt fit my feeling of necessity, how it have to be to get cleaned correctly…). He probably think already some stuff in the direction to ocd about me, but I dont give it a name or whatever in this moment, also I nearly done it. In the last time I often feel the pain of being lonely with my problems and being exhausted from hiding for everybody. He could be a person, who understands and like me also, after getting the information about my current major problem. I want to mention at this point: I dont think about revealing only for the intention of sharing my problems with another person, but also for the fact, that I can quit lying to him in future. I hate lying and its so exhausting and I hate lying also more, when I lie to people, which I like. He already asked sometimes, when I came back to training. I have everytime to beat around the bush and I dont want, that he thinks something wrong of me. By the way I miss our private training sessions much and even very much more, than the regular training at the gym, which made so much fun and got many positive effects to me.
Now Im sitting here and think about to tell him about my ocd and the real causes about my absence. It would be very relieving, if he reacts emphatic and likes me as he did before. But it would be horrible, if he judge me for that or try to get to distance to me, because of feeling responsibility or such things. I dont think, that he is such a person, but I feared open op so much, because I dont got any friendship since very much years. Only my girl get some views insight me. Otherwise I try to be a blackbox.