Well my very first blog.  I feel like crap physically and mentally.  I have always felt like crap upstairs, and the last so many years I have felt bad physically.  It had not until recently gotten in the way of my physical activities but it is now, More muscle soreness, physical performance suffering.  I go to doctors they run tests give me pills nothing ever helps I keep hoping someday they will find something.  They do speculate it is depression.  I got that it has become very severe.  Still get up and go to work(its struggle) but don't feel like I can hold a though long enough to write any code….Feel like I am getting more and more tangled up in a spider web.  Feel like life is coming crashing in on me and although I am married am all alone in my little world of misery . I have just come to a realization that I have been compromising so much in life because I am married.  I feel another woman is my soul mate although I have never disclosed this to anyone.  I used to think we would not be a match but as I have gotten to know her better I realize we are both looking for the same thing in life and share so much of the same desires, which is not what I have with my current marriage.  It is so hard to do anything cause my motivation is so low, and my thoughts are so muddled….I feel like I am living in a Haze.  I just want to start anew.  If I got to live another 10 years like the last I might just as well put a bullet in my head now cause it really isn't worth it….I see a vision of life I want but find the path there impassible….ugh.  Well doubt anyone will read this, so I end this here…..and send it on its way to somewhere in cyberspace to gather cobwebs…..


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