…The only thing keeping me calm right now is a chocolate rabbit. Serious. I guess I'm becoming addictive, because I couldn't get away from pulling it out and now that I have it I've calmed down. That's like… 1000+ calories right there. Yeah I'm fat. My body's long been weak and unhealthy, and so has my mind, so why not feed the fire. Maybe I'm just addicted to food in general. I guess I tend to eat when I'm mad sometimes. I don't know.

Well, I was pretty ok for the past few days despite some triggers (bad test grades). I thought it was good that I shrugged it off like water. I was attributing that to my attempt in changing my thinking. Trying to tell myself "it is what it is". Not exactly pushing the pain out, but kinda sitting back and observing. It felt like I had this bubble in my center and stuck on the outside were all the anxieties, sadnesses, etc… occasionally I'd feel parts of it flit in and when I tried to observe it it kinda faded away. So I don't know if it worked or not…

I guess some of that… "thrill" came because I was looking around and I found avoidant personality disorder. I won't go into detail here, but it encompasses so many loose ends, so many things wrong with me… the way I talk, the way I walk, the timing, and why, why, why…

But I guess today is just one of those days where I just wish I had someone I could turn to (not that I'd ask even if I did)… I guess it hits me that this is something that I'll likely never escape… it's all my fault, as it was beginning I was being stubborn. It just drifted down onto my head and burrowed in like a parasite… I've also stopped looking to the past, trying to release that body of pain. But what can I say? No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'll always feel inferior, I'll always be alone, I'll always fear rejection… I won't be able to have interpersonal contact, and I'll always walk with my head down, avoiding all eye contact, with these same pains, I'll always talk hesitantly and sparingly… I'll never be in a relationship and even if I did, I'd always be restrained and freeze at every touch, emotionally distant and out of control… not to mention my super dependence.

I don't know how people do it, making true friends, forging bonds… I guess I don't have the capacity.  It takes a really devoted, patient person in one aspect, but everyone has a limit… and unfortunately, I'll make you meet it. 

I just don't want to live this kind of life. Not forever, not anymore. If I could just end it now I would, but because I don't want to hurt my mom I can't. So I have to just accept it…

If only people would just let me go… why would it hurt so much, look at all resources spent on me to sit in front of my computer all day. It's all my fault. Look how much emotional pain I cause. Why would anyone miss me? I can't contribute anything but more misery…

What I'd really like to do is get out of this place… even being home with my pets would help ease the loneliness a bit. But I can't stay there forever… I don't want to be a dependent. But I guess I'm just running from my fate… what I really want to do is just find a competent mental facility that will lock me up for a few years…

The resources are so useless up here. Heck, my doc. keeps telling me I have CDD. I brought all my own, more rational theories to him and he just kept shooting me down without explanation so he can assert his own theories… this time I know I've got it right, it has to be… so he and his worthless medications can go take a walk… somewhere, there's got to be somewhere else to go… I just want to keep trying to find a competent, objective psych… caring about me instead of money would be a plus… but I can't, because I'm stuck here. I don't want to be stuck here, stressed from running in circles, lack of improvement, loneliness… people probably think I just want sympathy, but yeah, sympathy gets me nowhere. After all, I do everything I can to avoid that stuff… and joining clubs here is just a puppet act… once they see how I am they begin to treat me like I don't exist and they certainly don't need to waste their time on me.

Do you see what I mean about inferiority complex? How many times have people said good things about me? How many times have I said good things about myself? How many times have I read material or went to a psych. trying to change my thinking? It just won't go away. Nothing about myself is ever good enough…

How do I even get diagnosed anyway? Docs don't want to deal with someone like me. There's no way they can get an accurate diagnosis since I can't speak to them… where do I even go?

I can't tell one of the most important people in my life right now how I really feel…

Thanks for riding out the storm with me. That seems to have been somewhat cathartic.

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