I'm just existing. I realize now what I've been feeling lately. I've been feeling terribly lonely, yes. But I always knew when I moved away I would lose everybody eventually. Nobody has time or energy or anything to keep up contact. No. It's because I have ruined everything.
But I think back to when I first got to ISU…and how I started out so strong. I didn't have many friends, but I did sit in that stupid small dorm room and I did all of my work, got a job just for the extra change, and got A's. I would give anything I could to go back to that time and stay that way. Refuse to get close to anybody so I wouldn't feel so shitty right now. Stay on track so I would have graduated. I was given a gift at Lincoln College: a chance at an awesome life. I pissed it all away making bad decision after bad decision. Now what am I? Nothing. No friends, stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no money, debt, might get the law after me cause I can't pay some stupid hospital bill from when I tried to kill myself in 2007, lost my religion, lost everything. Now I feel like I'm taking advantage of an awesome guy because I gave up on my shitty life at home. All I do now is sit around the apartment watching TV and going to work whenever I am scheduled, which is like two days a week. I can't even go to college anymore cause I can't afford it. I was so close to graduating. Now I won't. I am so damn depressed I can't make myself do anything. I can barely clean up after my messes. I'm losing motivation for anything at all. I can't even return a phone call to my dad because I'm so ashamed of myself.
So now I'm just existing. I wake up, go through the motions, and go to sleep eventually when the insomnia wears off.
I'm sorry for being the shitty black raincloud in your lives. I would love to end mine if I weren't so chicken. I thought it was just the alcohol that made me so down. But honestly, I have barely touched a drink since I've been here…and nothing has changed. I would ask for advice, but unless you have access to a winning lottery ticket, free anti-depressants I could take or a free therapist in Hawaii willing to take me in, yeah…lost cause.
I just want to go back in time so I have purpose again.