This was the worst New Years I've had. I am so distraught right now I can't even get my thoughts together. I spent New Yrs Eve with my parents, couldn't even get a single friend to come over. I drank and wrote all kinds of stupid things on FB, but does it matter? I really have no friends, so who cares what a bunch of strangers think. Almost all my friends on FB are from the games I used to play on there. I don't even know them. And as the years go by it doesn't matter about the people I used to be in theater with anyway. They didn't really like me back then either.
The way things are you would think I was this horrible person. And the sad part is, I'm not. I'm very loving, sweet, caring, I can be fun… I just can't find anyone who appreciates me. I either look for the wrong people, or am just plain unlucky. And being in love with my ex boyfriend for 5 yrs has not helped either. If I could change my feelings and stop caring about K, I'd do it in a heart beat. My feelings for him have quite simply, ruined my life.
The people on here who say they should be happy for their loving, supporting boyfriend or husband… you should! I am devastated, alone, lost… I know I need someone and although I am told over and over to be my best self and find myself FIRST before I find a man, it's true that people, especially depressed ones like us NEED support and a partner to be there, understand and love us. I have none of that. I don't even have any real friends, and I'm not saying that in a pathetic, look at me way. It is absolutely the truth.
I don't even feel guilty anymore about having no friends. I think I am truly unlucky. I have matured a lot and for the past few years treated my friends like gold. I have respected them, loved them, tried to stay out of fights… and in the end it's like I said on my drunken rant on New Years Eve on Facebook, I just get it up the a** in the end, I just get shitted on, and people either take me for granted, or just simply disappear because they get bored of me.
If I had ONE wish, it would be to get over K. Even if I never find anyone at all, I just want to be over HIM. He didn't wish me a Happy New Year, I am sure he was too hungover and happy with his new girl toy. I know he's gone now after that last conversation we had. I'm positive I won't hear from him again. Now it's just up to me to NOT contact him.
I guess I was a little harsh when I texted "Now have a good night and don't give a shit what ppl think of you. Any girl who doesn't like you is a fucken idiot." That was the last thing I said to him. Actually, it's not harsh at all, but whatever. Who cares how he took it. I don't care anymore or at least I am going to PRETEND that I don't care. It's not going to change the fact that he doesn't want me, will never want me and has moved on.
Part of me wantshim to be happy. The other part hates him, the same way that crazy bitch does. I kind of hope she keeps bothering him and making him feel like shit. I kind of hope she doesn't leave him alone because the way she treats him makes him feel insecure and unwanted, and whenever he feels that way, that's when he turns to me… but he's not gonna turn to me anymore. He's gone. Disappeared for good. I know he has someone new. I already know he likes someone because he said he was worried the bitch would scare the new girl away.
Of course I'm sad. I know for certain now that I'll never see the person I love again and that he doesnt' like me as more than a friend. It's even less now. After all I've tried and gone through with him, it's just back to the start. I've gotten nowhere. All I have are those 2 nights last summer in my memory. At least I got to see him again and have a postive experience. That's all it's gonna be.
Now I have to ask myself what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Do I just want to spend it alone? It's much simpler that way. I tried so hard to have someone, even a FRIEND in my life and still ended up alone. So why try? I'm not just talking about trying with K either. I'm talking about all those other jerks, AB, AP, P, C and even my supposed "best" friend, M. They all left me in the end. I wrote M a New Yrs letter, sure it was twisted because I was drunk, but I wasn't angry at her at all, just down and angry in general. She didn't even bother to reply. I guess she's had enough of me too. So much for friends. So much for anyone. I am always happiest when I'm alone doing my own thing, writing. Writing fiction and living a life that doesn't exist.
I'm also happy when I dream. I dreamed the sink in some weird house got backed up and all this cat shit was flooding it and there were bugs everywhere and THAT was even better than when I woke up realizing how awful my life is. I have so many dreams. I think I will start writing them down again.
I think the only place I can be happy is in a world that isn't real. I wish my illness was one where I didn't know what's real. I think that will piss other ppl in this community off, but that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to say that being aware of how horrible your life is, only makes things worse. I don't want to be aware of anything. I want to escape somehow, often, as much as I can.
If only I could forget about K… the possibilites are endless. I know I won't hear from him again, in some ways that's good, in other ways I wish I could because there's still more I need to tell him. More that won't even make a difference anyway.