Went to thebeach today- something we've been wanting to do since we relocated up here but haven't had a chance to do yet. We didn't just go to go to the beach, but to visit my mother in law. She's been put into a clinic to help with her depression.

Being there really made me realise how much I want to get better. I don't want to be put into a clinic where I have no freedom, where I get searched to make sure I don't have anything on me that I could harm myself with, where I have to share a room with a stranger, where I have to have group therapy. I'm waaaay to antisocial for that. Not to mention the guilt! Can you imagine? Here I am in group therapy and someone gives a big story about their terrible life full of disaster and that's why they're depressed; but me? My disasters happened YEARS ago and I don't actually know what triggered my depression this time. How awful would I feel??!! I'd feel like an asshole. And not being near my husband or kids? That would make me ten times more depressed- they're the only things stopping me from suicide at the moment.

Going to the beach was lovely. Even though it is winter and too cold for swimming, just being near the water (and BLUE water- we've been in the country surrounded by BROWN creeks for years) was so peaceful. Watching the kids play with such excitement was beautiful. I actually felt thankful and hopeful for the first time in a long time. I didn't realise how much I missed the beach.

Appetite: a handful of crisps, a bowl of cereal, 2 coffees

Sleeping: Crap again- getting worse if anything. Sleeping tabs are NOT working

Gynae: Bleeding again. Just fucking great. Didn't even go 2 weeks this time.

Mood: better. Didn't think about suicide today.

Things that upset me today: Driving freaked me out. My mum-in-law being sad and wanting to go home but not being able to do anything. The kids having tantrums in the car.

Things that I'm thankful for today: my husband, my kids, the beach, that I'm not in a mental clinic, that my youngest is finally getting better (throat infection), that I managed to get my daughter's dummy back after the ocean took it! What a fluke!