Today is the day we get to move into our new house. I know that if I werent so broken inside I would be happy and excited. Its a great house. I am not happy or excited however. I can remember things that make me smile, made me happy, things I got excited over yet for a while (especially the last few weeks) I havent felt those things. Not even once or for a tiny moment.Maybe after a month or so of more therapy and meds I will be a whole person once again?
My sister doesnt really talk to me anymore. This hurts me so very deeply. Our parents fed and clothed her but I raised her. Mom is paying attention and loving (or pretending to love, idk) her right now. I'm sure its to get back at me for cutting her off and not letting her hurt me anymore. I do not blame my sister at all. I completely understand her being excited that Mom seems (or maybe does, who knows) care about her for the first time ever. I know that if my sister ever needs me she will come back. I also know that if Mom hurts her she will come back. Maybe someday she will realize that its not right for Mom to only want to have a relationship with her if she cuts me out. Until then though, it really does hurt a lot. I miss hearing how she is doing. How her family is doing. I have learned that I cant keep my Mom from hurting me. I can only minimize her opportunities and not allow her to know that she has hurt me.
When we moved the only down side to moving was that my Grandparents would essentially be alone. My mom, uncle and aunt live there but they never take care of their parents. My whole life my Grandma has always been there for me. Without her idk if I would have grown up to be ok. I probably would be a sociopath because I wouldnt really know what it felt like to be loved. I feel so bad about leaving them. Grandpa is dying. Since I left his heart has stopped beating correctly and his pacemaker cant even shock him back. He has had to go back in to be shocked twice, about once a month. He has shingles right now. He only has half of one kidney but apparently that one is starting to die now and he might be on dialysis soon. Grandma says he sleeps about 16 hours a day. He had surgery in December and his bladder is still bleeding from it. Poor Grandma calls me in tears an awful lot. I just wish I could bring her here with me.
I am having a difficult time deciding when and how its ok to take care of me versus take care of the kids. Normally I just do whatever would be the very very best for them and to heck with me. Right now I really cant do that. I have to find a way to take care of them AND me. Its been very hard to figure out how to do that. For example, I homeschool them. They have learned a ton this year and have technically fullfilled their hour requirements for the year already. They are nearly done with their text books. I am really overwhelmed and struggling with the billion changes and issues I have going on. I am hoping that its a good compromise between caring for me and caring for them for us to go to two school days a week instead of 5-6 school days a week. I am hoping that this allows me to have the break I apparently need and still lets them finish the school year in May. I feel sooo guilty about it. I am just not one of those homeschool moms who feels like they can easily deviate from "average" traditions and rules. I hope that its right and ok for them. I just cant do everything for everyone all of the time. Even if I want to.
There are just so so so many things that I need to take care of. I am easily a month or two behind on so many things. Last night I asked my husband to help me grade all the kids school work that I was behind on grading. He was sweet enough to help me. Tonight we are going to tackle my large pile of applications that need to be dealt with and make a list of things that need to be taken care of in the next 2 weeks. Then we can work on dividing the load. I am just not able to do what i used to do right now. Its like trying to play basketball in waste deep mud. I really cant play the game anymore like I am used to. I need to realize that I cant run down the court because by the time I get there……everyone will be back at the other end. I need to find ways to conserve my energy…..do things closer to the home basket so that I can still participate instead of always being too far behind to help or matter.
Oh! I have to brag a bit. I gave my girls a 2nd grade standardized reading comprehension test yesterday (well, I gave them part one). My 8 year got a 91% and a 96% on her parts and I am so relieved. My 5 year old (the special one) got an 80% and a 91% on the same two parts. I am proud of my girls.