I reached a breaking point last week. I’m not going to lie, I came very close to giving up last week and just accepting this lifestyle, of being controlled. I’ve been through severe ocd, why did it ease up? I ask myself, why so lucky? Why did I get lucky and my ocd ease up, when other’s are still suffering? It’s not fair, I feel a sense of guilt because of my ocd easing up. As my ocd has eased up, it still bothers me sometimes. I’ve almost become somewhat numb to some ocd rituals/habits, because the current state that my ocd is in, it’s nowhere near as severe as my ocd once was. I had some time to think, about my social anxiety/shyness the past month. I put it to the side for years, so that I could just focus on controlling my ocd. My social anxiety/shyness is deep. I’ve been just about housebound for the past 7 years. I rarely go out, it became to a point, where I feared people looking at me. I looked up some information online, and saw a myspace group for people with social anxiety/shyness. I did some reading, and realized, that some people with social anxiety/shyness, were more advanced than me. Some people discussed how they have a job, and a licence and car. I thought, wow! you know, you’re all years ahead of me.

my social anxiety/shyness ran as deep as, not being able to talk to my mom about certain things, and I certainly didn’t see me talking to her anytime soon, for fear of rejection, fear of how she would react. I’m 25, and I can’t even talk to my mom about things?

I slipped into a deep depression, and it hit me so hard, like never before. I felt sick to my stomach, and I didn’t even feel like eating, but I did eat, and I found myself, saying, you know… am I even worth it? am I worth attempting to overcome my social anxiety/shyness? I questioned my desire to do anything. I began to quickly lose interest in things I enjoy doing, and it was hurting me even more. I basically found myself looking forward to going to sleep at night, to escape the thoughts of how far back I am.

I was ready, for life in bed. I was contacted by someone on here, an angel in my eyes, Jineen. Last week, her and I chatted one day, for like, 3 to 4 hours. It was a deep conversation, I went deep, within my past, and present, to explain to her, how I am feeling, and how I am upset, and hope I feel hopeless. I went into detail about situations, where I just felt so shy, and how far I have fallen down. I went root deep, things I would normally feel embarassed discussing with someone, I found it to be a great blessing, that she listened to me, and understood. I told her, about how, all the happiness I have experienced in the past 7 years, I look at it as, artificial happiness, because, I haven’t been happy truly, in my eyes. Talking to Jineen really made me feel better. It felt great, knowing that I have someone to talk too. When I talk to Jineen, I feel like I’m not alone. I had my reason now, for getting out of bed each morning. I have someone to talk too, Jineen. 🙂 a friend from high school contacted me on myspace, and I got their number. I called my friend (I usually am too shy too call people on the phone)… I talked to my friend for an hour, I mentioned how I talked to my friend online, Jineen, and how she believes in me, and has given me hope. The next day, I broke down, emotionally as I thought about the road ahead of me. I was crying, I let the emotions go. Later on, I talked to my mom, finally, we talked. I talked to her for about 2 hours. I thought about my friend Jineen while I talked to her, about things I wanted to talk to her about for so long. I told her, how I have felt held back. I told her, that there are things that I want to accomplish, how I want to get out there in the real world. Eventually, things became more easy as the chat went on. I mentioned things to my mom, that I never thought I could. It was like, Jineen was there with me. I told my mom, about how I want to get a job, how I want to get a licence, and how I want to get a car, and how I want a girlfriend. It was all flowing now, I was holding nothing back. I found out, it was a great blessing to talk to her. I now, didn’t feel like I was being held back, I felt some sense of being normal, and being able to have a one on one talk with my mom. My mom was supportive, and I’m glad she was. It helped me emotionally to talk to her.

first thing I thought, I can’t wait to tell Jineen about the talk I had with my mom. Jineen, I credit fully, for me taking these first small steps, because I don’t believe I could have without her. The past few days, I have smiled more. I have felt like a mystery for so long, because of how I’ve been. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have been opening up more. Again, I credit Jineen for opening me up more. Jineen won’t let me give up. I know I have a long road ahead of me, it’s a challenge. The challenge of my life. As I have began this challenge, I will forever be grateful, and blessed, and thankful for Jineen’s support and for giving me hope, and for believing in me. I will forever be grateful for those who support me, and those who give me hope, and believe in me. Now, more than ever, I feel like I am worth it. Times may get rough, but I know I will never be alone, because I now know, I will always have an angel by my side. “Can I keep you?” 🙂