I have not blogged in a very long time. I currently have harm OCD with depression. I was diagnosed soon after my son was born. Of course, at that time it was Post Partum OCD. It has been two years and 5 months since I was diagnosed. I have taken my share of medications, and many have helped. However, the medication has not helped all that much. I tried ECT and that didn’t work at all. I currently am taking 300 Zoloft, Resulti, and most recently I have been doing TMS. TMS has helped a little so far. I have had only a week worth of treatment, so I will know more after four weeks. The only side effects TMS has had is a headache and my tongue sometimes feels weird during the treatment.
Anyway, this afternoon I was battling again with my OCD. I was getting very frustrated with myself and with this disease. I just really want to love my kids without OCD interference. Anyway, I was giving my son a bath, and of course, harm OCD comes in and shows me visualizations of awfulness. I am sort of used to it, so it did not bother me too much. But, what did bother me was the continued thoughts of harm. I was getting very frustrated. I did cast my care of my frustration on the Lord. In the past, casting my care sometimes works, but sometimes it does not. So, I was not that confident that my frustration would end, which of course, leads me towards depression; and leads me to doubt God’s love. However, ten minutes later or so, I saw and felt how precious my son was, how precious his life is. The experience was so wonderful. It is what I wanted and what I needed. Life is beautiful, special, and wonderful. It was better than my experience with my first baby. Of course, I cried; and my two year old son said, \”Are you ok?\”
I now have more hope that my OCD will lose its power. I also have more hope that the Lord is working in my life. That the Lord does answer. There is somehow hope.