I reached a breaking point last week. I’m not going to lie, I came very close to giving up last week and just accepting this lifestyle, of being controlled. I’ve been through severe ocd, why did it ease up? I ask myself, why so lucky? Why did I get lucky and my ocd ease up, when other’s are still suffering? It’s not fair, I feel a sense of guilt because of my ocd easing up. As my ocd has eased up, it still bothers me sometimes. I’ve almost become somewhat numb to some ocd rituals/habits, because the current state that my ocd is in, it’s nowhere near as severe as my ocd once was. I had some time to think, about my social anxiety/shyness the past month. I put it to the side for years, so that I could just focus on controlling my ocd. My social anxiety/shyness is deep. I’ve been just about housebound for the past 7 years. I rarely go out, it became to a point, where I feared people looking at me. I looked up some information online, and saw a myspace group for people with social anxiety/shyness. I did some reading, and realized, that some people with social anxiety/shyness, were more advanced than me. Some people discussed how they have a job, and a licence and car. I thought, wow! you know, you’re all years ahead of me.

my social anxiety/shyness ran as deep as, not being able to talk to my mom about certain things, and I certainly didn’t see me talking to her anytime soon, for fear of rejection, fear of how she would react. I’m 25, and I can’t even talk to my mom about things?

I slipped into a deep depression, and it hit me so hard, like never before. I felt sick to my stomach, and I didn’t even feel like eating, but I did eat, and I found myself, saying, you know… am I even worth it? am I worth attempting to overcome my social anxiety/shyness? I questioned my desire to do anything. I began to quickly lose interest in things I enjoy doing, and it was hurting me even more. I basically found myself looking forward to going to sleep at night, to escape the thoughts of how far back I am.

I was ready, for life in bed. I was contacted by someone on here, an angel in my eyes, Jineen. Last week, her and I chatted one day, for like, 3 to 4 hours. It was a deep conversation, I went deep, within my past, and present, to explain to her, how I am feeling, and how I am upset, and hope I feel hopeless. I went into detail about situations, where I just felt so shy, and how far I have fallen down. I went root deep, things I would normally feel embarassed discussing with someone, I found it to be a great blessing, that she listened to me, and understood. I told her, about how, all the happiness I have experienced in the past 7 years, I look at it as, artificial happiness, because, I haven’t been happy truly, in my eyes. Talking to Jineen really made me feel better. It felt great, knowing that I have someone to talk too. When I talk to Jineen, I feel like I’m not alone. I had my reason now, for getting out of bed each morning. I have someone to talk too, Jineen. 🙂 a friend from high school contacted me on myspace, and I got their number. I called my friend (I usually am too shy too call people on the phone)… I talked to my friend for an hour, I mentioned how I talked to my friend online, Jineen, and how she believes in me, and has given me hope. The next day, I broke down, emotionally as I thought about the road ahead of me. I was crying, I let the emotions go. Later on, I talked to my mom, finally, we talked. I talked to her for about 2 hours. I thought about my friend Jineen while I talked to her, about things I wanted to talk to her about for so long. I told her, how I have felt held back. I told her, that there are things that I want to accomplish, how I want to get out there in the real world. Eventually, things became more easy as the chat went on. I mentioned things to my mom, that I never thought I could. It was like, Jineen was there with me. I told my mom, about how I want to get a job, how I want to get a licence, and how I want to get a car, and how I want a girlfriend. It was all flowing now, I was holding nothing back. I found out, it was a great blessing to talk to her. I now, didn’t feel like I was being held back, I felt some sense of being normal, and being able to have a one on one talk with my mom. My mom was supportive, and I’m glad she was. It helped me emotionally to talk to her.

first thing I thought, I can’t wait to tell Jineen about the talk I had with my mom. Jineen, I credit fully, for me taking these first small steps, because I don’t believe I could have without her. The past few days, I have smiled more. I have felt like a mystery for so long, because of how I’ve been. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have been opening up more. Again, I credit Jineen for opening me up more. Jineen won’t let me give up. I know I have a long road ahead of me, it’s a challenge. The challenge of my life. As I have began this challenge, I will forever be grateful, and blessed, and thankful for Jineen’s support and for giving me hope, and for believing in me. I will forever be grateful for those who support me, and those who give me hope, and believe in me. Now, more than ever, I feel like I am worth it. Times may get rough, but I know I will never be alone, because I now know, I will always have an angel by my side. “Can I keep you?” 🙂

  1. JINEEN 16 years ago

    Chris! It makes me feel so good that i can do some good for someone else even if i cant for myself.You are a great person and i know you will over come this all someday.:)

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  2. bernardke 16 years ago

    Hi Chris,
    good you are moving in a posative direction

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  3. billdoor79 16 years ago

    Hey, great to hear of your progress and positivity! All the best with your road, you know it’s worth it to keep going, and it really is:-)

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