Woke up this morning thinking about "how I have become a quiet person?"

I guess it all started in Primary school. There was a teacher who is (or was) very passionate about music. She chose me to sing one part of a song (just 2 lines) on stage, it was an honor, until my family had some problems and I had to drop out. I told the teacher about it, hoping she would understand my position as a young carer (note: I was 11 years old) but instead I got yelled at, "We've been practicing all that time and now this?!"

"You should be ashamed of yourself!"

She also yelled at students who couldn't come to her performance/concert. I am pretty sure the reasons for not coming is the family, not 11 yr old children. See, I was constantly thinking about how my teacher could not understand that she needs to talk to the parents and not us? We were God damn 11 yrs old, we were told by our parents that we could not attend, enough said.

Now, what surprised me the most when I was in Primary, was that I almost murdered 2 students. I remember I had a huge intent to kill them. The 2 "friends", who kept teasing me at that time. I felt like I had burst out, as in I probably kept something in my heart. Could be stress, anxiety… I don't know but I just exploded. But I clearly remember kicking them, bang their heads against the fence, strangling them. Yet they still laughed after all that. They thought I wouldn't really kill them. It was a good thing a care taker came because I was so very close to stabbing them.

Then in Secondary school, I went through bullying and that was when depression showed up clearly to me. The sadness in Primary school was minor, hardly noticed but Secondary was worse. I hated everybody. I hated myself the most for being so weak and thought of suicide because I thought my existence was worthless. I had friends, but you know in Secondary schools, friends come and go.

Both Primary and Secondary schools I went to, had very bad reputations. I only knew how bad my Primary school was when my friend told me just 5 days ago. I always thought before that Primary school wasn't that bad until I remembered about all the horrible things I went through in there.

1 Comment
  1. Azura_Mikio 10 years ago

    The past for me is a touchy subject as always so I think you having the courage to write about it means a lot. It's difficult when life and those in it don't really seem to give two shits about you and it's even worst, as time continues onward, the consequences of it all continue to affect us. But, remember that it's in the past and those memories should stay there. Personally, I don't think I am capable of taking my own advice seeing how often I dwell on the past. However, I think it pains me more if I know someone who suffered a similar fate to go through that hellish experience. If I can help, please let me know. Life can be strange how it works out in the end. Stay strong and keep hope alive.

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