Right now I'm feeling pretty disheartened and defeated. I went and got the mail from the mailbox to find something from Social Security, and I had hoped that I had gotten a positive response back to my 2nd claim. No. They had re-confirmed their decision to deny me. Now I have the choice to either go to Appeals Court or drop it altogether. I don't know what to do.

What pisses me off most though was their reasoning on WHY I didn't qualify. Among them was "age" and "educational level". Excuse me, but doesn't that count as discrimination?! So if I was 50 and didn't have a college degree you'd give me the help I need?! I'm so tempted to find a lawyer to take care of all this. I'm also very tempted to contact my previous employers and current one to back me up on my inability to work with very little consistency and have them write letters regarding it and my state of mind during those times, including the frequency and duration of those episodes. I don't know if that would change anything but it would give some credibility behind what I'm saying. I have dealt with this for years now and have an idea of what I am and am not capable of. Working a full-time job is not possible for me. I can't do it. After a little while I end up manic and then severely depressed to the point of considering suicide and cutting myself up. I don't shower, wash my hair, shave, brush my hair, get out of my pajamas, cook, clean, go anywhere or do anything considered useful. I am a wreck when I get to that point, and it takes me forever to climb back out of it.

I'm on 5 different psychiatric medications, have therapy every 1-2 weeks, see my psychiatrist once a month, and try to function as normally as possible; which isn't very "normal".

So what am I supposed to do now? Depend on my mother for the rest ofher life to support us with a place to live, food on the table, and the bills paid? Because of me she can't retire. And it's going to continue to be that way because I can't get the financial help I need due to the confinements this frickinillness causes. I'm at my wits end and feel completely lost as to what to do!

As it stands now we're one financial set-back away from catastrophe because we have no savings left. If something goes wrong with one of the cars or someone gets really sick or something along those lines that's it; we're through. We won't be able to affordto pay for it.

Iwant to cry again.