seeking help

WildKay, September 6, 2017, Marriage & Family, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Divorce, Relationships, Therapy, Weight Loss, 0

I have been married for 5 years. With my husband for 8 altogether. When we were dating we had fun together. He was willing to do things I wanted and me do things he wanted. A shared mutual relationship. However, I have never been madly in love with him. I care about him. Have respect for him. He Is a good man. When he asked me to marry him I had my doubts. But I had the notion that you choose to make it work or you don’t. Being crazy in love was for fools and doesn’t last. I felt that we could have a satisfying marriage. We married and it was like a wall smacking me in the face. No longer was he willing to do things that I wanted to do unless he wanted to do it too. He quickly became the most selfish person I have ever met. I became very depressed. Totally lost myself. Living my life putting any dreams or wants aside. Compromising myself to avoid conflict. Even though we ate what he wanted for the last 6 months worth of weekends he would refuse to go somewhere I liked that he didn’t care for that much or if he went he would complain the entire time which made it completely not worth even going. I stopped asking him to go shopping with me or do anything I knew he didn’t want to do. We only did what he wanted and when he wanted together. I walked on eggshells constantly. Never knowing when the next outburst might be or afraid to ask him to do something I wanted or needed. He admitted to doing the bare minimum and said he would do better. Over the last 4 1/2 years it was a continuous cycle. He would do better for a couple weeks. Slowly go back to old ways. I would put up with it for awhile and then have a blow up and he would do better for a while and go back and so on and so on. Over the last couple of years I have really started to be responsible for my own happiness. Despite my unfulfilling marriage. 6 months ago I began really branching out and doing things as I wanted regardless of his thoughts. I was tired of someone else making my life decisions. Tired of living my life sitting on the couch watching him watch cops and south park. Tired and done. The more I began finding myself again. Doing things that made me happy. Hanging out with old friends. Joining exercise groups meeting new people I really realized that I was ready to be alone. I dream about having my own tiny apartment and doing things as I please. When I want to. How I want to.
With all that said. I have had emotional and physical affairs. I know it was wrong. I justified them with my loneliness in my marriage. Two months ago I confessed to having an affair. He was angry to say the least. Understandably, but it was very scary. Throwing things. Threatening to kill this other man, saying that he would shoot me and him if he saw us together. Then threatening to hurt himself after I told him that I care about him greatly but I do not love him in the way I should and I do not feel love from him. I was very scared of what he may do and told him it was all emotional and not physical. I want to be completely honest with him but I am terrified of what he may do to himself, this other man, or me. He has never hurt me physically but I have never seen him so angry and iv never been so scared.
My husband now Blaims himself for my behavior. He knows he’s been selfish and seems more sincere than he ever has been in the past. But I have already checked out of this marriage. I checked out a long time ago. And I am frankly so damn annoyed that now he is taking me serious. I want to say it’s too damn late. That’s how I feel. I have tried for 4 1/2 years. I have suggested therapy. When he wouldn’t go I went for my own sake. I have compromised and done as He said and wanted for too long. NOW he wants to go to therapy. NOW he wants to work on our marriage. I want to leave. However the fear and guilt of divorce is holding me back. I feel obligated to try now that he FINALLY decided to try. And it pisses me off. Why should I feel obligated and feel guilty that I don’t want to try anymore?! But I do and I don’t know how to deal with it.
To complicate matters, I am in love with this other man. I have tried to cut him out. And I can’t. I have never felt this crazy weak at the knees love before in my life. I thought I had once in my life in college but it was nothing compared to the intense feelings I have for this other man. However, I am a logical person and I am aware that those intense feelings will mostly likely change over time. But that’s okay! I am not expecting to leave my husband and live this crazy romantic life with this other man. I simply want to experience it. Take this passion I feel and run with it and see where it goes. If it works it works and if it doesn’t, I feel that I will be more happy alone than I can ever be in my marriage.
So. Here I am. I feel stuck between my happiness and my feelings of obligation to the man I said my vows to. I am very concerned he will hurt himself if I leave. I am scared of what other people will think about me. I am scared of being judged. Otherwise. I know I can take care of myself. I know I would be happier alone. Does anyone have any advice or shared experiences? Please be completely honest. I don’t want anything sugar coated. Thank you for reading.

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