Since my last blog, I’m afraid to say things have gotten worse. And also since then I’ve realized how therapeutic writing these are, its the only source of release that I can find. Since then I’ve just felt more… empty. I literally feel empty inside. I walked into school this morning with my head low, drooping eyes, and a stuck on frown that I couldn’t seem to shake. I used to be able to hide this, now it has become more of a permanent phase than one I can just easily hide. One thing that also hasn’t gotten better: My hair problem. As I mentioned in my last blog I used to have a serious case of trichotillomania; a hair pulling disorder. Unfortunately, it’s back again. various parts of my scalp contain clumps of hair just a few inches short, and the only way I can hide them is by putting my hair in some complex braid every single day or else risk someone seeing how odd and uneven my hair really is. I can actually feel the difference in thickness as it used to be, this scares me for some reason. My hair used to be one of the only complemented parts of me I would receive, and they would also be constant complements! And now its something people just don’t even notice (along with the rest of me). I can’t stop pulling my hair out, i don’t know how to stop. When I try to talk to my mom about it she says “control yourself” “find the route of the problem” and “wear a hat”… things that really just don’t help me at all. It is now extremely clear she wants nothing to do with me or my problems (this example being one over tons more…). Ripping my own hair out is also one of the only sources of relief and distraction I have to mask the pain I feel in my chest constantly. I dont feel pain when I pull it, just satisfaction for some reason… it feels normal to me. Aside from my distant mother, nobody else in my family knows I have continued this disorder, everyone thinks I’m ok. I don’t know how to stop, I know if I don’t stop soon enough I will become bald again, but at this point it is the least of my problems.

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